Get Hurt
by sheepish123
Summary: Amanda takes care of her guilt the only way she knows how. Very dark. Trigger warnings inside. Amanda/Olivia pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**This story deals with the aftermath of rape, with some graphic sexual content. Please be warned, if these types of storylines trigger you. Takes place in season 17, although I have not written Dodds into the story. I'm not a fan of the kid storylines in crime dramas, as I find it takes away from the show, so Noah and Jesse do not exist in this universe.**

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 _"And I came to get hurt_

 _(Get hurt)_

 _Might as well do your worst to me_

 _(Get hurt)_

 _Have you come here to get hurt?_

 _(Get hurt)_

 _Have you come to take away from me?_

 _From me, from me_

 _Might as well do your worst to me."_

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Amanda Rollins leans against the wall, her head braced on her arms and her eyes squeezed tightly shut as the man pushes into her roughly from behind. His hands are on her bare hips, fingers squeezing hard enough to leave bruises, her pants and underwear pooling around her ankles. She hadn't even had enough time to get fully undressed or onto the bed before he had grabbed her, impatiently pulling at her clothes and yanking them down.

She keeps her eyes closed, sweat matting her blonde hair against her forehead, trying not to listen to the grunts and groans of the man behind her. The sex is quick and brutal, like it usually is, and even though she knows she'll be feeling the pain for days afterwards, she still she welcomes it.

This man, whom she had met a few months prior in her gambling addiction support group, is also a sex addict with a penchant for hurting his partner, but Amanda doesn't mind the pain, and in fact, enjoys it. She deserves it for the things she has done, for the things she hasn't said, for the things other women have been through because of her.

She bites her lip and winces at a particularly hard thrust from the man whose name escapes her at the moment, even though they have done this several times now. She doesn't even care who he is, his name, his age, what has happened in his life to make him enjoy this as much as she does; all she knows is that she needs this, the pain, the punishment, the humiliation. Maybe it will finally make things even.

But deep down inside, she knows that no matter what she does, it will never be even and she should never be forgiven for what she had done back in Atlanta when she had let her superior take advantage of her; when she had buried it so far into that dark little corner of her brain that held every terrible thing that had ever happened to her, when her shame had kept her quiet and he had been free to do it again.

The man behind her clamps his mouth onto the delicate skin between her neck and shoulder and bites down hard, Amanda stifling a whimper as tears spring to her eyes. She blinks them back furiously, not allowing herself to cry in front of this brutal stranger. She never cries during their time together; she saves that for when she is at home in her apartment, curled up with her dog Frannie and drowning her sorrows and dark thoughts in a bottle of beer. That's when the tears come so hard and fast, she sometimes cries until morning, sleep eluding her. Sleep is when her worst nightmares come alive, so the hours of sobbing are preferable anyway.

The man's breathing suddenly picks up and Amanda knows he is close, knows he will get his release soon, although she will never get hers. His hips pump harder into her and she has her hands pressed flat against the wall now, trying to steady herself and keep from slipping to the floor. She prefers to do this on the bed of the seedy motel room they always rent for an hour, but sometimes he is too impatient and needy to wait. They have done it on the floor and even in the car, when his patience is thin.

He stiffens behind her and lets out a guttural moan, resting his sweaty forehead against her shoulder blades for a moment before pulling out of her roughly and smacking her on the ass with a firm hand. Amanda turns around slowly, still resting against the wall, and watches as he gathers his clothing off the floor and begins dressing, not even throwing a glance in her direction. Now that it's over, she knows he has no more use for her and will likely leave without a word. They will have no more contact until the next time one of them needs this quick, dark release, and a sparsely worded text with the date and time is sent to the other.

Sure enough, he leaves the motel room a moment later without even a backward glance, and she is left alone to shower in the dingy bathroom and pull herself together enough to return to work at the precinct without it looking like she has done nothing more than go out for lunch with some friends. At least that is what she tells her co-workers, and so far no one has mentioned anything.

Amanda does her best to return to work looking as sleek and well dressed and non-rumpled as she had leaving an hour earlier. She smooths her hair down against her head as she walks back into the squad room, and her hand grazes the bite mark on her skin. She inwardly winces, pulling her shirt collar up higher on her neck and hoping no one will notice. Amanda is usually more careful about where she allows the man to hurt her, as the last thing she needs are questions from her co-workers. They are well-meaning, but her personal life doesn't concern them and they likely won't understand anyway.

She settles down at her desk, noticing Fin and Carisi have not yet returned from their break but that Olivia is in her office, pacing and talking on the phone with a serious expression, and Amanda guesses that she hasn't even left or eaten yet. Her eyes meet her boss' through the office window and their gazes lock for a moment. For a split second, Amanda is sure that Olivia knows what she was up to on her lunch break, that the older woman can somehow spot her shame, and she looks away quickly, feeling heat rise to her cheeks.

When she looks up again, Olivia has turned away from her, still talking on the phone, and Amanda sighs, partly in relief and partly in disappointment. There is some small part of her that wishes her boss would take an interest in her; would care a little more, would find her to be a capable employee and not the nuisance that she usually is, always getting into trouble and taking matters into her own hands when a case isn't going her way.

She and Olivia have not seen eye to eye since Amanda had arrived in New York several years earlier, and sometimes it still baffles her how everything had gone so wrong between them so quickly. She had admired Olivia Benson for a long time before coming to the Special Victims Unit, and had been hopeful for a great relationship with her boss; had come ready and willing to learn everything that Olivia had to offer and teach her. But it hadn't gone the way she had hoped, the older woman standoffish from the get-go and things had only worsened between them throughout the years. She is pretty sure Olivia only just barely tolerates her presence there, as she is a good enough detective to solve most cases and impress the older woman with her skills, but Amanda knows that she is on shaky ground with her superior most of the time. She just can't seem to stop screwing things up, no matter how hard she tries.

She knows Olivia has been through a lot in her life, both personally and professionally, and that most likely contributes to her behavior towards Amanda, but it hurts when she sees how differently the other woman treats Fin and Carisi, and how she had acted with Amaro before he had left the unit and moved to California. There was a part of her that had been hoping things would finally change between them after she had finally revealed what had happened with Patton, but as usual, it hadn't gone the way she had wanted it to.

Amanda sits at her desk with her chin in her hand and realizes that she is staring at her boss as she thinks about her, and is about to avert her gaze when Olivia turns around and their eyes meet again. This time the older woman frowns slightly and Amanda mutters, "Shit," under her breath, quickly turning her computer on and pretending to be busy. Olivia is very adept at reading other people and Amanda doesn't want her boss to see it on her face; the humiliation, the hurt, the shame.

She keeps her head down as she hears Olivia exit her office and start walking toward her.

"Amanda-" the older woman starts to say, but is interrupted by the noisy arrival of Fin and Carisi who are just returning from their lunch break, joking around about something and jostling each other with their elbows.

Amanda looks up and smiles at Fin as he passes her and reaches out to quickly squeeze her shoulder in greeting, and before she can stop herself, she winces as his fingers come into contact with the bite mark. The boys don't seem to notice but when she glances at Olivia, her boss is staring at her questioningly, dark head tilted slightly to the side.

Amanda gives her the same smile she has just given Finn and then turns to Carisi to ask how their lunch break had been. They chat for a moment before Olivia interrupts to tell them about a new case and everything is back to normal, the older woman barely sparing Amanda another glance as she talks.

Amanda sighs softly, that same mixture of relief and disappointment coursing through her as she tries to shake off what has happened over the past hour, listening intently as her boss explains what is going on with the case and instructs them on how to proceed.

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Around the dinner hour, everyone begins packing up their things to go home for the night. It has been a busy afternoon, out and about interviewing the victim of their latest case and possible suspects, and Amanda feels tired and cranky, her body sore, an ache between her legs, and the bite mark throbbing insistently. She had popped a painkiller a few hours earlier but it has done little to ease the various aches and pains throughout her battered body.

She says goodnight to her boss and co-workers and heads into the bathroom before leaving the precinct, wanting to splash some cold water on her face and dig around in her purse for another painkiller. She stands at the row of sinks and stares at herself in the mirror, her reflection looking pale and disheveled, purple rings standing out underneath her eyes and her blonde hair mussed from another day of long, hard work.

Amanda glances quickly towards the bathroom door and then gingerly pulls the collar of her blouse down and away from her skin, the ring of teeth standing out starkly against the milky white of her skin. She stares at it, cursing herself for letting the man do this to her. It will takes ages to heal and she will have to be very careful to keep it covered until it fades away. He is only supposed to hurt her where the injuries won't normally be seen.

Suddenly the door swings open and Amanda whirls around from the mirror to see Olivia standing there with her arms crossed in front of her. They look at each other in silence for a moment and Amanda can see that her boss' lips are pursed and her brow is furrowed, and she quickly lets go of her blouse, hoping the older woman didn't see the mark.

"Uh, hey, Liv," she mutters, turning back to the sink and zipping up her purse. "I'll see you in the morning." She tries to skirt around her, but Olivia is blocking the door.

"Amanda," Olivia says softly. "What happened to your neck?"

Amanda's hand flies up to the bite mark to press protectively against it before realizing what she is doing, and hastily lowers her arm back down. "It's nothing," she murmurs, suddenly desperate to get out there and wishing the older woman would move out of her way. She resists the urge to shove past Olivia and flee, and instead just stands there staring at the floor, her long blonde hair hanging down in front of her face.

She is shocked when she feels a gentle hand brush her hair away from her eyes, and she looks up at Olivia to see her boss regarding her with concern and what looks to be compassion. Now Amanda is the one with the furrowed brow, confused by the other woman's actions, and she steps back from her, pushing her hand away.

"It doesn't look like nothing," Olivia says quietly. "It looks like a bite mark to me."

Amanda shrugs and looks back down at the floor, feeling a hot red blush creeping up her neck and into her face. Her cheeks feel like they're on fire and she is suddenly so uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally, that she feels tears welling up in her eyes. She blinks rapidly, willing them not to spill over.

"Amanda, please talk to me. What's going on?" Olivia is using the same soft, gentle voice she uses with the victims they deal with, and although Amanda had previously wanted this kind of interaction with her boss, she now wants nothing more than to run from the room and be safe at home with her dog; no one else there to judge her and question her.

"I said it's nothing," she replies, her tone a little more forceful this time. "It's not a big deal, Liv. Don't worry about it."

It is silent in the bathroom again, and Amanda can feel Olivia's intense gaze fixed intently on her. She holds her breath, staring so hard at the floor that the pattern of the tiles begin to blur in front of her eyes.

"Okay," Olivia finally says, and Amanda breaths out in relief. "I won't pressure you to talk to me, but I'm here if you ever need to have a conversation."

"Thanks," Amanda mutters. "I'm fine, though. I'll see you in the morning." She says this last sentence more firmly and this time when she tries to get to the door, Olivia moves out of her way without another word.

She glances back at her boss as she leaves the room, noticing that Olivia's eyes are still on her, and Amanda hurries away, walking as fast as she can down the hallway and into the elevator.

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 _*Song lyrics are by The Gaslight Anthem's "Get Hurt"  
_


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia lays in bed, caught somewhere between dreams and wakefulness, and slowly becomes aware of an insistent dripping on her face. She cracks an eye open and gazes upward, her brow crinkling slightly as she watches a drop of water fall from the ceiling and feels it land on the side of her nose, rolling slowly down her cheek and onto the pillow.

She sighs, turning over in bed and glancing at the clock. It is almost time to get up, although the room is still dark, and she can hear the patter of rain against her bedroom window. Another drop of water hits her on the forehead, and she pulls her pillow over her face with a groan. There is a leak somewhere above her, and this issue seems to present itself every time it rains.

Olivia feels her frustration level spike, not in the mood to deal with anything right now, even such a trivial matter as a slight leak in the ceiling. She had not slept well the night before and knows she will pay for it today, as their latest case is heating up and there is a lot to do.

Her phone buzzes on the nightstand and she groans again, yanking the pillow off of her head and reaching over to pick the device up. There is a text from Fin with a question about the case, and she quickly types in a reply before hitting send. Almost immediately a text from Carisi comes in, another question, and she types another reply before tossing her phone aside and closing her eyes again. She wants nothing more than to shut out the world and sleep for the day.

Olivia had been too preoccupied with thoughts of a certain blonde detective to get much sleep the night before and had drifted in and out of dreams, Amanda's voice crying and begging for help but Olivia unable to find her, no matter how hard she looked. Olivia rubs her eyes tiredly and can't help the spike of resentment and irritation that stabs through her when she thinks of the other woman, even though it is mingled with equal parts concern and worry. Amanda seems to dominate her thoughts more often than she probably should, and it's usually because the smaller woman is in some kind of trouble. She has never met someone so prone to trouble, but most of the situations are Amanda's own doing, or at least partly.

An image of the bite mark on the smaller woman's skin floats into her mind and she stares up at the wet ceiling, her thoughts whirling. She should be getting up and into the shower, concentrating on the new case, but she can't stop thinking of Amanda, wondering what is going on with her and hoping everything is okay. She glances at her phone again, resisting the urge to send the other woman a quick text, but she will see her at the precinct shortly and doesn't want to upset her. Amanda had not been very happy with her the day before, and Olivia doesn't want to create another awkward situation between them.

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When she arrives in the squad room a little while later, her hair dripping with rain water, she stops and shakes her head, unsurprised. Fin and Carisi are at their desks, working away diligently, the room buzzing with the conversations of multiple cops, but Amanda is nowhere to be seen. If she had a nickel for every time the blonde woman was late for work, she would be able to retire in Hawaii.

"Where's Amanda?" Olivia asks curtly, as she passes Fin's desk on the way to her office. She is not in the mood for pleasantries today.

"I'm not sure," he says with a shrug. "I haven't talked to her yet today. She's probably just running a little late."

"When isn't she running a little late?" Carisi snickers, and Olivia rolls her eyes, mentally agreeing with him.

Worry has begun churning in her gut, even though she doesn't voice her concern. She and her team discuss the case for a few minutes and then she retreats to her office, closing the door behind her and sitting down at her desk. As Olivia reviews her notes, she decides she needs to send Fin and Amanda back out to talk to a suspect they had interviewed the day before, but if the blonde detective doesn't show up in the next few minutes, she is going to have to send Carisi instead.

She keeps glancing out the office window every few seconds as she works, keeping an eye out for Amanda. Olivia can't seem to keep her mind on the case and picks up her phone, texting a short message to the other woman to ask where she is. She decides that she doesn't care if Amanda is annoyed by her intrusion, and frowns down at the screen when she doesn't receive a reply.

Finally, Olivia decides that she can't wait any longer, and marches back into the squad room to send Fin and Carisi out into the field together. Fin informs her that he has also sent Amanda a text but hasn't gotten a reply. He and Carisi both express their concern and offer to swing by Amanda's apartment on the way to their destination but Olivia tells them to wait, sounding much more calm and collected than she actually feels.

After they leave, she goes back into her office, picking up her phone and bringing up Amanda's number. She is just putting the phone to her ear when the blonde woman walks into the squad room, wet and bedraggled from the rain, the hood of her jacket pulled tight against her face and her head drooping down toward her chest.

A wave of relief washes over Olivia and she hurries out of her office to confront the smaller woman at her desk. The impatience she usually feels when dealing with her detective has been pushed down and all she feels is concern as she looks at Amanda, who is shrugging out of her coat and laying the soaked garment over the back of her chair. The other woman is sheet white and shivering, her dress pants sticking to her legs in wet patches, and she has left little puddles of water behind her on the tiled floor.

"Amanda, what's going on? Why are you so late?" Olivia questions gently, noticing the detective's eyes are red and wet, but she can't tell if it's from the rain or if she's been crying.

"Sorry, I overslept," Amanda mutters, turning on her computer and keeping her gaze averted. "My alarm didn't go off."

Olivia is quiet for a moment, trying to decide how to proceed with this conversation. She knows Amanda is lying but is unsure of whether or not to call her on it.

"Where are the guys?" Amanda asks as she looks around, still avoiding Olivia's gaze.

"Out in the field," Olivia replies, crossing her arms in front of her. "I couldn't wait for you any longer, so I sent Carisi out with Fin."

Amanda is looking at her now, her expression sheepish and teeth biting down on her lower lip. "Sorry, Liv. I should have been here on time. It won't happen again, I promise."

Olivia resists the urge to roll her eyes. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Amanda. You can get caught up with the case from here."

They are both silent for a moment, and again Olivia tries to decide what to say. She is never so uncertain when talking with anyone else; if this were Fin or Carisi, she would just come right out and demand to know what the problem is, chastising them for being late but making sure they are okay. Amanda has always been different from the rest, though; at times brash and emotional, but at other times quiet and so hard to read. She feels like she never really knows what's going on with the smaller woman; never really has a handle on her.

If Olivia is being completely honest with herself, Amanda is probably one of the better detectives she's worked with over the course of her career, when it comes down to the job itself, but her inability to keep her act together prevents her from being the best that she can be. There is room for much improvement, but the smaller woman seems unwilling or unable to control the actions that make Olivia so frustrated with her most of the time. When there have been problems or upheaval with anyone else in the unit, she feels much more under control, much better equipped to handle whatever the situation is, but it's always another story with Amanda and sometimes Olivia is puzzled by her own behavior, wondering why the other woman gets under her skin so much.

Amanda has her computer booted up and is typing away, and Olivia notices the sideways glance in her direction.

"Do you want to talk, Amanda?" She starts to put her hand on the other woman's shoulder, and then remembers the bite mark and withdraws her arm.

"No," Amanda replies wearily, and she sounds like she's about to say something else when her jacket suddenly slips off the back of her chair and slides onto the floor.

She leans over to pick it up and Olivia gasps as the smaller woman's shirt becomes untucked from her pants, riding up her back and revealing a line of small dark bruises down the lower part of her spine.

"Amanda! What happened? What is going on?" She tries to keep her voice down, not wanting to alert any of her co-workers to the situation, but dread is blooming inside of her now and she feels like she needs to get a handle on whatever is happening with her detective.

The other woman quickly gets to her feet, throwing the coat back over her chair, and her previously white complexion turning a mottled shade of red. Olivia expects her to say the same thing she had said the night before, that it's nothing; but Amanda doesn't say anything, instead fixing Olivia with a panicked look, like she has just been caught doing something she shouldn't be.

"Come with me," Olivia says softly, gesturing toward the stairs that lead up to the cribs, the place where they go to sleep or rest when they have to pull overnights or when they've been working so many hours or days in a row, they just need a quick break.

She expects Amanda to protest and sit back down at her desk, and is surprised and relieved when the detective follows her across the squad room and up the stairs without a word. She closes the door behind them once they are alone in the room and turns to look at Amanda, the small woman standing there with an uneasy expression on her face, twisting her hands together anxiously.

"Amanda, I'm not upset with you," Olivia assures her gently. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay, I'm fine," the other woman murmurs, but it sounds much less convincing than when she had said the same thing in the bathroom the previous night.

"I don't believe you," Olivia says, taking a step toward her and watching Amanda take a step back, fixing her with a wary expression. She holds her hands up in front of her and stands still. "It's okay. I just want to make sure you're alright."

They look at each other for a moment, not speaking, and Olivia can hear the muffled voices of everyone downstairs in the squad room. Her phone buzzes in her pocket but she ignores it, all of her attention fixed on the blonde woman standing in front of her.

"Shouldn't you get that?" Amanda asks, her voice a choked whisper.

"No," Olivia replies. "You're my priority right now, no one else."

A look of surprise comes over the other woman's face and Olivia feels her heart clench, something like shame washing over her as she regards her detective. Amanda shouldn't have to be so shocked that Olivia actually cares, and she knows that is her own fault.

She tries to push away the guilt that is suddenly swamping her and takes another cautious step toward the blonde woman, relieved when she doesn't back away this time. "Amanda, has someone been hurting you?" she asks softly.

Amanda chews on her lip for a few seconds and then sighs. "It's not what you think, Liv."

Olivia frowns in response. "What do I think?"

"That it's some kind of domestic abuse situation," Amanda says hurriedly, looking very uncomfortable. "I'm not even in a relationship right now. I haven't dated anyone for a long time."

"Okay." Olivia is feeling a bit confused. "Can you tell me what it is, then?"

Amanda shakes her head, suddenly looking like she is on the verge of tears. "Please, Liv, I don't want to talk about it." She turns away to sit down on one of the beds and Olivia notices her wince slightly as she takes a seat.

"Amanda, you are clearly in pain," she says gently. "Please let me help you."

The blonde woman quickly swipes a hand across her eyes before any tears can fall and looks up at Olivia. "I don't need any help," she says firmly. "Everything is under control."

"What's under control?" Olivia asks, one eyebrow raising. "Whatever the situation is, it doesn't look like it's under control to me."

Amanda shifts on the bed, and Olivia hears a small whimper escape from her mouth. The blonde detective is clearly in a lot of pain, looking small and vulnerable as she huddles into herself, and Olivia's heart aches.

"What hurts?" she asks softly.

"Everything," Amanda murmurs, staring hard at the floor and looking defeated and beaten down, Olivia sitting down as carefully as she can on the bed next to her.

"Why won't you tell me what's going on? You can trust me."

"It's personal," Amanda whispers. "Why is not okay for me to have a personal life?"

"It's fine for you to have a personal life," Olivia replies. "But not when it's causing you so much pain. Not when there are bruises down your back and a bite mark on your neck. You know this is wrong, Amanda. Whatever is going on, it's wrong."

"It's not wrong," Amanda answers, and her voice is so low that Olivia has to lean toward her to hear properly. "It's the way it should be."

Olivia suddenly feels tears pricking at her eyelids and she knows whatever the situation is, it's a lot worse than she had originally thought. "No one should ever hurt you," she says firmly.

Amanda is silent as she stares down at her lap, twisting her fingers together so hard they have turned white and appear bloodless. Olivia reaches over to gently grasp her clenched fists and they sit there for a moment, side by side on the bed, not saying anything.

The silence is broken by another beep of Olivia's phone and she sighs, her other hand moving to her pocket and feeling Amanda pull away from her.

"It's okay, I wasn't going to answer it," she assures the smaller woman. "I was just going to turn it off until we're done in here."

"You can't turn it off," Amanda admonishes her. "What if there's an emergency?"

"I'm the boss; I can do whatever I want," Olivia replies with a slight smile, and Amanda glances at her, lip turned up slightly at the corner.

"I have to know if you need medical attention, Amanda. We can go to the hospital right now, if you need to."

"Liv, it's not that bad, really," the other woman says with a sigh. "I don't need medical attention. I'll be okay."

Olivia hesitates for a moment, not wanting to push the boundaries between boss and employee, but she is so concerned for the blonde woman, she doesn't know what else to do. "Is it okay if I look at the bite mark? It could be infected."

Amanda immediately squirms away from her, shifting farther down the bed and holding a hand protectively over her neck, like she had the night before.

"Okay. It's okay." Olivia is holding up her hands again, not wanting the smaller woman to feel unsafe with her or any more uncomfortable than she already feels. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have suggested it. It was inappropriate of me. I'm just worried about you, Amanda, and I don't know how to help you."

"I don't need help, Liv," Amanda insists. "I'm alright; really, I am."

Olivia sits there and watches the other woman, feeling completely powerless.

Amanda looks back at her and their gazes lock for a moment. "Would it make you feel better to look at the bite mark?" she finally asks. "If you can see that it's not that bad and I'm really okay, would it make you feel better?"

"This isn't about making me feel better," Olivia says gently. "This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. I would like to look at it, but not if it's going to upset you. I would never do anything to make you feel unsafe."

Amanda's lips quirk. "I know I'm safe with you, Liv. You don't need to worry about that."

Olivia gives her a soft smile. "Good, I'm glad you know that."

Amanda looks away from her and unbuttons the first few buttons of her dress shirt, pulling the material down her shoulder and away from her skin. Olivia moves closer to her on the bed and rises up on one knee beside her, gently pushing Amanda's long blonde hair away from her neck. She notices the other woman shiver slightly, and leans forward to look at the small ring of teeth embedded into her smooth skin. The mark looks rather deep and is turning a slight shade of purplish blue, but there are no breaks in the skin and it doesn't look infected.

"There, are you satisfied now?" Amanda asks a moment later, pulling her shirt back up and redoing the buttons. "I told you it wasn't that bad."

"What about the bruises on your back?" Olivia asks softly. "And elsewhere? How many places on your body do you have these kind of marks?"

Amanda shrugs, her head hanging down again and long hair obscuring her face. The detective looks tiny and forlorn and Olivia has the sudden urge to reach out and pull the smaller woman into her arms but she doesn't want to risk aggravating any other injuries that she might have, and knowing the detective might not appreciate the gesture.

There is a sudden knock on the door, and Olivia figures someone has realized that they have gone missing from the squad room and is wondering where they have disappeared to. She resents the interruption, feeling like she is finally getting somewhere with Amanda, but she knows this is not the ideal time or place to delve into the situation.

"What are you doing after work?" she asks the other woman, as they both stand up from the bed. "Do you want to grab a coffee somewhere?"

Amanda fixes her with a withering look and takes a step toward the door. "Liv, you've never taken any interest in me before, so I don't know what's suddenly changed now. I have a few bruises on my body, and suddenly you need to swoop in and save the day? Where were you before? There have been so many times when I've needed you and you weren't there, so don't pretend to care now."

Olivia freezes, struck silent for a moment by her detective's words and feeling a deep shame come over her. "Amanda, I have always cared," she says softly. "I care about everyone in this squad. I'm sorry if I don't always show it. Please let me be here for you. Please let me help you."

Any progress she has made with the other woman seems gone now. Amanda's expression is shuttered and she takes another step toward the door as the knocking resumes and they hear Fin calling their names.

"We have work to do," Amanda says, her voice flat. "We should probably get back to it."

Before Olivia can say another word, the blonde woman opens the door and leaves the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Major trigger warnings for graphic sexual violence in this chapter_.**

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Amanda sits in her apartment, the TV blaring and Frannie curled up at her side, sipping from a bottle of beer. She has never been more glad to be home, as the work day had been a total disaster. As usual, everything that could go wrong had gone wrong. It seems to be the story of her life.

She is mortified and her cheeks flame with embarrassment when she thinks of what had happened in the squad room that morning, when Olivia had caught sight of the bruises on her back; bruises that she hadn't even realized were there, hadn't noticed when she get been getting dressed that morning. Her time in the motel room with the man during yesterday's lunch break must have been more rough than she had previously realized, as she had noticed more bruising on her thighs when she had taken her work clothes off upon returning home.

To make matters worse, as soon as Fin and Carisi had left the precinct that morning, Fin had received a huge tip on the case they were working and had been unable to reach Olivia or Amanda, so they had circled quickly back and the entire squad had ended up rushing out to take down a suspect. She is embarrassed that her boss had had to deal with her problems when there was actual work to be done; when a rape suspect had been on the loose.

Amanda feels exhausted to the bone as she slumps on the couch, Frannie's head now in her lap and the events of the day whirling through her mind. There is never a dull day in the Special Victims Unit and she knows she cannot be late again tomorrow or any other day, for that matter. She needs to try harder, needs to keep Olivia off her back.

Oddly enough, now that she is finally getting what she has wanted all these years, which is her boss' attention and concern, she is terrified. The shame and humiliation of what she does in that motel room somehow seems worse than anything she has done before, in all the mistakes she has made over the years. She feels sick to her stomach when she thinks of her time with the man, but knows she will keep going back again and again.

When she feels her eyes begin to close, she hurriedly picks up the remote and turns the TV to an even higher volume. She knows it is just a matter of time before her next door neighbor is pounding on the wall, yelling at her to keep it down, but she needs to stay awake. She is too scared to sleep.

The nightmares last night had been horrifying, her time in the motel room mixing with her memories of Patton, until it had been Patton in the motel room with her and another blonde woman, a woman Amanda tries not to think about it but can never stop, a woman whose face she sees everywhere. Reese Taymor. Reese is the reason she does what she does. She can never be forgiven.

The dreams had been so disturbingly real, so vivid, that she had awoken sick to her stomach, her heart racing out of control, sweat soaking through her pajamas, and she had spent half of the morning on the floor of her bathroom, throwing up until there had been nothing left in her stomach and then dry heaving until she had sobbed in despair.

Amanda knows she can't have a repeat of this morning; that she must try to keep her issues under control so she can be on time for work, so that she can be the employee Olivia wants, so she fixes her tired eyes firmly on the TV and takes another swig of beer, determined to stay awake for as long as possible. She would rather deal with exhaustion than the aftermath of those nightmares, when Patton and Reese are in her head and she can't get them out, their faces swirling together as the shame and guilt eat her alive.

Her phone buzzes and Frannie twitches on her lap, her sleep disturbed, Amanda looking over at the device and hoping it's not work. She picks it up and sees the familiar number flash across the screen, no name. The text messages contains a time only, 11:00pm, and she raises her eyebrows, surprised the man wants to meet again so soon. Usually they go at least a week between encounters, which is better for Amanda because it gives her injuries time to heal before he can inflict fresh ones.

She hesitates, her thumbs hovering over the screen, unsure if she should accept the invitation this time as her injuries from the day before are still throbbing and aching. But it would get her out of her apartment and keep her awake for awhile longer so she texts back "OK" and then gets up from the couch, Frannie whimpering her displeasure.

"Sorry, girl," Amanda says softly, stroking her hand over the dog's head. "I'll be back soon."

She quickly gets changed into a short black dress and heels, running a brush through her rumpled blonde locks, and grabs her purse before heading out into the night. When she gets to their usual motel, he is waiting at an open door at the end of a long row of rooms. The motel is doing a brisk business like it usually does during the night, and there are men and woman of all ages coming and going.

Amanda passes a heavyset woman in a skintight fuchsia dress who is leaning against the wall smoking a joint, and ducks into the room, the man shutting the door behind them. As soon as she turns around, she knows something is wrong.

The man is staring at her, his eyes bright, and he doesn't rush toward her right away like he usually does, tearing her clothes off impatiently and throwing her onto the bed or the floor. She stares right back and they regard each other in the dim, cheap lighting of the motel room, and this is somehow much more intimate and uncomfortable than getting right down to business.

"What?" she finally murmurs, when they had been looking at each other in silence for several seconds.

"You know, you're really pretty," he says, his eyes raking up and down her body from head to toe, and she feels more exposed in her dress and heels than she ever has stark naked.

"Um, okay," she replies, feeling confused by this odd turn of events. "Thanks..."

"Eric," he says, frowning at her. "My name is Eric." His gaze is penetrating, lips curling up into a sneer. "You don't even know my name? What a stupid fucking cunt you are."

Amanda feels a tendril of fear curl through her and she takes a slight step back toward the door. Something is definitely wrong here; he never talks to her. In all the hours they had shared at this motel, she has felt a lot of different emotions, but fear has never been one of them. She herself had been the one to initiate the first sexual contact between them, hadn't pulled away when he had gotten rough and had in fact urged him on to hurt her more; but strangely now that they are finally speaking to each other in more than the occasional grunt and having an actual conversation, it feels wrong. And she certainly does not appreciate being spoken to in that way.

"I don't care what your name is," she shoots back at him. "I don't give a shit who you are. I didn't come here to chat and neither did you, so I'm not sure why you're even talking to me."

"What a tough little bitch you are," he laughs, the sound cruel and harsh. "Even though you couldn't be bothered to remember my name, I know your name, Amanda Rollins."

Amanda does her best not to react, even though her heart rate has picked up and she feels her hands start to sweat. Their gambling support group is anonymous, no last names allowed, but she figures it would still be easy enough to find out who she is, especially in this day and age.

He is looking at her hungrily, his eyes over-bright now, and Amanda sighs, realizing what she should have seen the second she walked in the door; that he is under the influence of some kind of drug. Because she didn't think this day could possibly get any worse and of course it has, an unexpected laugh suddenly comes bubbling up out of her, the man looking at her in surprise.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Wow, you're a real winner, huh?" Amanda chuckles, unable to control the laughter that is verging on hysteria. "Gambling, sex and drugs? Talk about the trifecta of issues. I sure know how to pick 'em."

His hand shoots out so fast, she doesn't see it coming, his fingers suddenly tangled up in her hair and slamming her face into the wall. She staggers backwards when he lets go of her, utterly stunned as blood drips profusely from her nose. She stands there for a moment, her hands pressed to her face, the blood tricking through her fingers, too shocked to react.

"What's the matter, little cunt?" he sneers. "I thought you liked it rough."

Before Amanda can move, he is on her again, grabbing her by the back of the neck and throwing her facedown onto the bed, her bloody nose pushed hard into the cheap quilt. Her fight-or-flight instinct finally kicks in and she turns over, slapping him hard across the face, and he laughs in response, pinning her arms above her head.

"Now that's more like it. Fight me, bitch."

For several minutes, she struggles underneath him, giving him exactly what he wants, and she is only now realizing how much bigger and heavier he is. Amanda knows she can't overpower him so she stops struggling completely, the energy draining out of her entirely.

He sits back up, straddling her waist, and glares down at her. "Why did you stop?"

"I'm tired," she says honestly, and reaches up to wipe more blood off of her face. He is so heavy, sitting there on top of her, and it is hard to draw in a deep breath.

"I don't care," he snarls. "I came here to get what I need, so look alive, bitch." He slaps her hard across the head, and she sees stars.

"Just do it," she pants, laying there limply on the bed, the fight totally gone out of her now. "Just get it over with."

"You're no fun," he scoffs, getting off of her, and for a moment Amanda thinks he is going to leave but he only crouches beside her on the bed, yanking her dress up to her to her chest and roughly pulling her panties down and off.

For the first time since their sexual encounters have begun, Amanda sobs as he pushes into her, exhausted and in an extreme amount of pain, feeling the blood from her nose running down both of her cheeks and pooling onto the bedspread below her.

When he is finished, she lays there in a daze as he pulls his pants back up and leaves the motel room without a word. She stares at the ceiling for several minutes, not moving a muscle, the tears and the blood drying on her face.

Finally she sits up carefully on the bed, an agonized moan working its way out of her throat and she struggles to her feet to look in the mirror. Amanda is horrified by what she sees. There is blood everywhere, streaked across her entire face and dripping down her neck. There is even some matted into her hair. Bruises are starting to form beneath both eyes and she wonders if her nose is broken.

Her mind flashes to Olivia, and she knows there is no way to hide this; no way that she will be able to make it into work the next day or the next week, for that matter. This realization weighs heavily upon her despite everything that has just happened, and for a bizarre moment she feels the need to call Olivia and apologize.

Instead, Amanda goes into the bathroom, soaking a cloth in warm water and doing the best she can to clean the blood off of her face and out of her hair. She pulls her panties back on and grabs her purse, smoothing her dress down. She feels bad for leaving a pile of wet, bloody towels on the floor and knows there is more blood on the bedspread, but she figures this motel has seen a lot worse.

One of her eyes is starting to swell shut as she leaves the room, pulling the door quietly closed behind her. The heavyset woman she had seen on the way in is still leaning against the wall, the smell of pot lingering in the air, and she looks at Amanda and whistles.

"Shit, somebody had a rough night."

Amanda ignores her and starts walking, feeling fuzzy and confused, her head pounding. She had taken a cab there but she just doesn't try to hail another one; she just continues to walk while trying to decide what to do. She knows she should go to the hospital, but all she really wants to do is go back to her apartment and be with Frannie. The thought of her dog waiting at home for her brings tears to her eyes and she quickens her pace, wanting nothing more than to snuggle up beside her beloved pet.

Amanda starts off in what she thinks is the direction of her apartment, but it is so dark out and her head hurts so much, it is hard to tell where she is and how far she has to go. She loses track of the time as she walks, completely disoriented now, and she has no idea how long she has been wandering the streets for.

Amanda finally comes to a somewhat familiar neighborhood, and realizes that Olivia's apartment is nearby. The pain is banging like a drum inside her skull now and she staggers to her boss' building, knowing that she needs help and can't make it home on her own.

She struggles with the heavy door and it takes her several minutes of squinting through blurry vision to locate the name Olivia Benson on the listing and key in the number that sounds the buzzer. There is silence for a few minutes and Amanda leans her head heavily against the wall, the pain all-encompassing now.

Finally Olivia's tired voice comes through the speaker. "Yes? Hello?"

"Liv, my head hurts," Amanda whines. "Can you come down and get me?"

"What? Amanda?" Olivia's voice sounds both confused and alarmed.

"Please help me, Liv. It hurts so much."

"I'll be right there! Come into the lobby." Olivia sounds frantic now, and the door buzzes open.

Amanda lets herself in and sees a plush red couch by the elevators, collapsing onto it gratefully. She is very dizzy and closes her eyes, fighting the urge to vomit. She almost forgets where she is and why she is there, until the elevator door opens with a loud ding and she sees her boss rush out into the lobby.

"Jesus Christ! Amanda! What happened to you?" Olivia is crouching down next to her, gently pulling her into a sitting position, and Amanda groans in pain.

"He hurt my head, Liv. God, it hurts so much." She is leaning heavily against the other woman and Olivia smells so good; feels so warm and safe that Amanda buries her face in her neck.

"Who hurt you, honey? Who are you talking about?" She feels the older woman carefully moving her head away, clasping her hands lightly on both sides of her face to look at her, and Amanda moans, squeezing her eyes shut.

"The man. The man."

"What man? Sweetheart, who are you talking about? What man?"

"Eric. The man has a name now. I always knew he did but I didn't care. I didn't want to know his name. But he told me anyway. He told me and I didn't want to know." Amanda feels herself becoming upset by this, for some reason, and she grasps Olivia's arms, pushing her face into her neck again, her brain whirling with confusion. "I need a hug."

"Amanda, I need to call an ambulance for you, honey." Olivia's arms are around her, cradling her against her chest and smoothing her hair away from her battered face. "We need to get you to a hospital."

"Nooo," Amanda slurs, and she feels drunk, like she is not in control of her body, her emotions, her words. "I wanna go up to your apartment and lie down. My head hurts too much to go to the hospital."

"That's exactly why you need to go, sweetheart." Olivia's voice is patient and soothing and Amanda leans more heavily into her, closing her eyes again and listening as her boss calls for an ambulance, her words coming out fast and clipped.

"Stay awake for me," Olivia says a moment later, running a hand over her swollen cheek. "The ambulance will be here in a few minutes."

"Don't leave me," Amanda whimpers, clutching onto the older woman tightly. "I don't want to be alone."

"You're not alone, honey, I'm right here. I won't leave you. I won't ever leave you ever again."

Olivia has both arms wrapped tightly around her, holding her up, and Amanda is snuggled safely within her embrace. For the first time that night, she feels at peace.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia sits in the hard plastic chair in the hallway, her head resting in her hands. Despite it being the middle of the night, there is activity all around her; the rushing of doctors and nurses, the moaning of patients, the beeping of machines. A woman is slumped across from her, crying quietly into a wad of tissues, and a man sitting next to her with his arm around her shoulders.

Amanda is being examined in a room down the hall, and Olivia is waiting for Fin and Carisi to arrive. She is feeling very shaken up and hopes they get here soon, as she does not wish to be alone. Her hands are trembling and she crosses her arms, tucking them up under her armpits and willing the shaking to stop.

The ambulance had arrived quickly at her apartment almost an hour earlier, and Olivia had ridden with Amanda but had not been allowed in the exam room with her, and is anxiously waiting to hear what the doctor has to say. She is impatient to talk to the other woman so they can find out what has happened and who they need to start looking for but she knows it will have to wait, at least for a little while.

She had been pulled out of a deep sleep by the loud, insistent sound of her buzzer in the wee hours of the morning. The blonde detective's voice had come over the speaker, and it had taken Olivia a second to recognize her because she had sounded like she was drunk. She had been stunned at the state the smaller woman was in when she had arrived downstairs; Amanda's face was battered and she had been slumped over on the couch, moaning and not making a lot of sense. By the time the ambulance had arrived, Amanda was even more disoriented and incoherent and seemed to be slipping in and out of consciousness.

She had perked up a bit when the paramedics had gently removed her from Olivia's arms and had protested so loudly and vehemently at her separation from the older woman that Olivia had almost climbed onto the stretcher with her, desperately fighting back tears. She had settled for sitting beside Amanda in the back of the ambulance, holding her hand as they had raced towards the hospital, the small blonde clutching onto her fingers tightly. By the time they had arrived, her grip on Olivia's hand had gone limp and her eyes were closing as they had wheeled her in through the doors of the emergency room.

Now Olivia sits here, waiting for news and the arrival of her detectives. She had called both Fin and Carisi immediately upon their arrival at the hospital and they had both promised to be right there, sounding as stunned and anxious as she feels.

She rakes her hands back through her thick shoulder length hair, looking down at herself and realizing that she hasn't even had a chance to change out of her sleep clothes, which consist of yoga pants and a sweatshirt, her feet encased in sneakers with no socks. There are smears of blood on the front of her shirt from where the smaller woman had leaned against her in the lobby.

She hears a familiar moan from down the hall and her ears perk up as she gets to her feet, wondering if it is Amanda. She paces down the hallway to an open door with curtained off rooms but she doesn't go in, instead hovering just outside and listening. She thinks she hears the smaller woman's voice, slurring and argumentative, but she can't be entirely sure as there are so many other voices and sounds mixing together.

"Liv!" a deep male voice calls, and Olivia whirls around to see Fin and Carisi hurrying down the hallway toward her.

The relief that pours through her is so intense that she has to stop herself from throwing her arms around both of them. Carisi looks just as shaken up as she feels, but Fin looks as if he's ready to commit murder.

"What the hell happened? Who did this to her?" he snarls, and Olivia lays a calming hand on his arm.

"We don't know the details yet," she says softly. "They have to get her stabilized first and then we can talk to her."

"Was she raped?" Fin asks, his voice low, tone dangerous.

Olivia looks at him and swallows. "I don't know, Fin. As I said, we don't have many details yet."

"I knew something was going on," Fin mutters angrily. "Something hasn't been right for awhile now. I've tried to talk to her about it outside of work, but she just shuts down and says everything is fine."

"Yeah, I've noticed that something has been off with her too," Carisi murmurs. "I didn't want to bother her, though; I thought maybe if we left her alone, she would eventually come to one of us. I should have said something to her."

"I don't think it would have mattered," Olivia says gently. "Amanda is a very stubborn person and if she doesn't want to talk about something, she won't. We're here for her now and that's what matters."

She swallows down a wave of guilt and regret as she says these words. Apparently Fin and Carisi have noticed that Amanda's behavior has been off for awhile now, but she is ashamed that she can't say the same; she has been too wrapped up in her own life, in her work, to notice the smaller woman's pain. She resolves to start making some big changes in her relationship with the blonde detective, both personally and professionally. And she is going to start by being there for her during every single step of the recovery process, if Amanda will let her. She wants to invite the other woman to recuperate at her apartment after she is released from the hospital.

Olivia talks quietly with her detectives for a few minutes until they are interrupted by a tall women with short red hair and glasses who is dressed in nursing scrubs, telling them they can go in to see Amanda now. They walk down the hall behind the nurse and into the room, and Olivia's heart is pounding with trepidation as the curtain is pulled back.

She sucks in a breath and hears Fin curse softly, as they take in the current state of their colleague. Amanda looks even worse than she had in the lobby of Olivia's building, her face so black and blue that she is barely recognizable. One of her eyes has swollen completely shut and the other is half closed. There is dried blood under her bruised nose and more blood caked around her hairline. She is in a hospital gown now, her black dress gone, and there are smaller bruises dotting the skin on both of her arms. An IV is hanging by the side of the bed.

Olivia bites her lip and turns away for a moment, overcome with emotion, and it takes every ounce of willpower she has to hold in the tears that are threatening to spill. She has to keep it together for her detectives, needs to take charge and help Amanda get through this.

Amanda seems to be looking at them through her half-open eye as Olivia turns back around, and she watches as Fin goes over to the bed, leaning down to press a very gentle kiss to the top of her head.

"Hey, baby girl," he whispers. "How ya doing?"

"Fin," Amanda murmurs, reaching out to grasp his hand. "My head hurts."

"I know it does, sweetheart," Fin replies, and Olivia notices that he is blinking hard as he squeezes her hand. "The doctors here are going to get you all fixed up, good as new. I'm guessing there's some pretty good painkillers in that thing."

He gestures toward the IV and Amanda gives him a lazy, loopy smile. "Yeah, they're not too bad. Not good enough, though. Still hurts so much." She closes her eyes.

Carisi is standing on the other side of the bed, looking very ill at ease, and Olivia puts her hand on his arm, inclining her head slightly toward the door.

"If you need to leave for a minute, it's okay," she whispers.

"Nah, I'm good," he says, giving her a half smile. "I won't leave her."

Amanda just now seems to realize that Olivia is in the room with them because she suddenly grins at her, and the expression looks bizarre on such a battered and bruised face. "Liv, I'm so happy you're here! Liv saved me from the man," she says, slurring slightly as she looks at Fin and Carisi. "Liv, you're my hero."

Both men turn toward her, questioning looks on their faces, and Olivia shakes her head. "No, honey, I didn't save you," she corrects gently. "I just called for the ambulance. You saved yourself. You got yourself out of the situation." She just wishes she knew what that situation was.

"Who's 'the man'?" Fin asks, his brow crinkled. "Are you talking about the person who did this to you, Amanda? What's this man's name?"

Amanda puts a hand to her forehead, like she is thinking hard. "He told me his name before, way back when we met...before we started everything...but then I forgot. And I didn't want him to have a name, I didn't. But he does, he does have a name, and he told me again. But you know what? I forgot it again." She chuckles. "Can you believe it?"

Olivia puts a gentle hand on her leg and notices that Fin and Carisi look a bit bewildered with her rambling, which she guesses is drug-induced or a product of her head injury or both. "Back at my apartment building, you mentioned his name is Eric."

"Eric?" Amanda fixes her half-open eye on her and frowns. "Ohhh, right, Eric. You're right, Liv, you're absolutely right."

"Eric? Eric who?" Fin asks, and his tone has gone dark again. "Where can we find this guy, Amanda?"

The small woman shrugs, looking like she is having trouble following the conversation. "Maybe at the motel?"

"Which motel?" Carisi says.

"Ummm, the one across the street from the gas station? I know it has a parking lot because that's where the cab dropped me off. It's the one with the parking lot."

"Oh boy," Fin mutters, and Olivia exchanges a concerned glance with him.

"If you can give us a description of him, we can get a sketch artist in here," Carisi suggests.

"Can you stop asking me all these questions?" Amanda whines. "My head hurts and you keep talking to me. Liv, it's your fault; stop making them ask me these questions. I don't like you."

Carisi looks at her, one eyebrow raised. "Wasn't she just singing your praises a minute ago?"

"I think we need to take a break here," Olivia says quietly. "Amanda, I'm sorry for all the questions, but we're just trying to figure out what happened to you so we can find Eric."

"Can you remember where you met him?" Fin asks, and Olivia frowns, as he has completely disregarded what she has just said.

"Fin, don't ask me that," Amanda sighs. "It's _anonymous_ , okay?"

"Does that mean you met him at your support group?" he asks, and Amanda puts her hands over her ears, squeezing her eyes shut.

"That's enough, Fin," Olivia says, her voice sharp. "She needs a break."

They look at each other and for a minute she thinks he is going to challenge her, but then he nods and puts his hand on Amanda's arm. "Sorry, sweetheart. I just want to find the guy who did this."

They are interrupted by the arrival of a heavyset gray haired man, and Olivia recognizes him as the doctor who had met them at the doors of the emergency room when they had arrived. "Amanda, Fin and I are going to talk with your doctor while Carisi stays here with you. Is that okay?"

The small woman nods and they go out into the hallway and take a seat. Olivia listens intently as the doctor explains that they believe Amanda has a concussion and possibly a fractured nose and cheekbone. They have to wait on the x-rays and CT scan, since there are more emergent cases ahead of her, but she will be admitted for at least twenty-four hours for observation, due to the head injury. They had found multiple bruises and the bite mark, when Amanda had been undressed and redressed in the hospital gown. The exam had not gone any further, though, as the blonde detective had not been able to either confirm nor deny that she had been raped and was not in a position to consent to a rape kit. The disorientation and incoherence would have to abate somewhat before they could again question her and ask to do a more intimate exam.

Olivia is frustrated after the conversation, and paces the hallway for several minutes instead of rejoining the others by Amanda's bedside in the emergency department. She understands the need to wait on the rape kit and that there is also the possibility that it won't even get done at all, but as of now, they don't have much to go on. They can check Amanda's support group for a man named Eric but they don't have his last name and they don't even know which motel Amanda had been referring to, so they don't have access to anything in the room that might hold evidence, like the bed sheets. Between the painkillers she is receiving through the IV and the head injury, Olivia has no idea when Amanda will be coherent enough to give them any proper information.

She waits until her frustration has lessened a little before rejoining her squad, and is informed that a room has become available and Amanda will be transferred upstairs shortly. The small blonde has fallen asleep, curled up under the covers with the hospital gown dwarfing her. She looks so tiny and vulnerable as Olivia gazes down at her, and she wonders what had occurred that night for them to get to this point.

She has a short, whispered conversation with Fin and Carisi as they decide they best way to proceed from here. Since it is still the middle of the night and Amanda is sound asleep, there is nothing else to be done right now. Olivia sends them home for a few hours of rest, ignoring their protests, and decides she will stay with Amanda in her hospital room, not wanting her to wake up alone.

xxxxxxxxxx

When she is settled in a chair beside Amanda's bed in her room upstairs, she finally feels the exhaustion that has set in and leans forward, covering her face with her hands.

"Are you okay?" a soft voice asks, and she looks up to see Amanda staring at her through her half-closed eye.

Olivia gives her a wry smile. "I'm fine, honey. You weren't asleep for very long. How are you feeling?"

"Everything hurts," the younger woman whispers and Olivia leans over to rest a hand on her leg, rubbing gently.

"I'm so sorry this has happened to you, Amanda," she says quietly.

The blonde detective lays in silence for minute, curled up on her side and facing her, Olivia watching her and wondering what is running through her mind.

"Liv, I need to take a shower."

Olivia looks at her, an uneasy feeling growing in the pit of her stomach. "I don't think that's a good idea right now, sweetheart. You're in pretty rough shape, and I don't think you can stand up long enough to take one. And you still need to have x-rays and a CT scan done, and we don't know when that will be happening. It's probably best just to stay put for now."

Amanda lowers her head, curling tighter into herself, and Olivia pulls her chair closer so her knees are resting against the side of the bed.

"Why do you want to have a shower, Amanda?"

"Because I need one," the smaller woman whimpers and Olivia leans over, putting her arm lightly around her back and bringing her face down to Amanda's battered one.

"Why do you need a shower? Honey, what happened tonight? Do you remember?" Although Amanda still seems pretty out of it, she appears to be a little more lucid now than she had been earlier, and she is guessing that the painkillers have started to wear off a little. She decides to take a chance. "Were you raped, sweetheart?"

Amanda moans and tries to roll away from her, but Olivia keeps a steadying hand on her back. "Be careful, you're going to hurt yourself even more," she says softly. "It's okay. You're safe with me. You can tell me."

Amanda stops moving but has pressed her bruised face into her pillow, and Olivia can only imagine how much that hurts. "I wasn't raped," she replies, her voice muffled.

Olivia sighs and rubs her back gently. "You can be honest with me."

"I _am_ being honest," Amanda insists. "It's not rape if I let him do it." Her voice lowers to a whisper. "It's not rape if I just gave up, if I didn't even try to fight back, if I just let him do what he wants, like I always do."

Olivia's heart is breaking. "Amanda, it _is_ rape if it's not consensual, no matter what the situation. You _know_ this."

Amanda lets out a rough sob and then grabs her head in agony. She looks like she is trying to hold back her tears because it hurts too much to cry, and her body shakes with the effort of holding them in.

Olivia's heart is clenching painfully in her chest and she can't stand to see the smaller woman in so much torment. She stands up, hovering over her and feeling slightly panicked by the situation, and Amanda suddenly sits up and wraps her arms around her waist tightly.

"Don't leave," she cries. "Don't me here alone. Please stay, please stay."

The smaller woman's head is pressed against her stomach and Olivia clutches Amanda to her, feeling tears well up in her eyes and spill down her cheeks. "Honey, I'm not leaving. I'm right here, I'm right here."

They remain in that position for several minutes, locked together, Olivia on her feet crying silent tears and Amanda in the bed trying to stifle hers. She finally starts to pull away so the other woman can lie back down and rest, but Amanda won't let go of her, so she perches on the side of the bed, the small woman tucked up against her side.

"I don't want to have a rape kit done," Amanda suddenly whispers. "I don't need one."

Olivia sighs and rubs her hand up and down the other woman's back. "Amanda, no one is going to force you to do anything you don't want to do here. You have to give your consent. If you don't, they won't do one."

She feels Amanda nod against her.

"You seem to be doing a bit better than you were downstairs," Olivia says softly. "Do you think you can try to remember where the motel is now? Did you meet Eric there? Can you tell me what he looks like?"

Amanda is silent and Olivia leans down, trying to get a look at her face. "You can tell me, honey. It's okay."

"I met him there," Amanda murmurs. "But I don't where it is, Liv, I swear. I've been going there for months now, but I just can't remember. And I can't remember him either; what he looks like. He's just this big shadow in my brain. There are so many things that are blank."

"It's alright," Olivia soothes, disappointed but trying not to show it. "It will come back to you soon. I know some things might be hard to remember right now, with your head injury and the medication you're on." She pauses. "Do you know if you brought your cell phone with you? Did you make any texts or calls while you were there?"

"I thought I had it with me, but I think I left it at home on the couch with Frannie." The other woman suddenly pulls away from her, looking stricken, and then grabs her head in pain. She rocks back and forth for a moment, her eyes squeezed shut, and then looks at Olivia in a panic. "Frannie's at home alone. Someone needs to take care of her while I'm gone."

"It's okay," Olivia says. "I'll bring Frannie to my place and she can hang out with me for awhile." She pauses again. "You can both hang out there with me, if you want. You're not going to be allowed to be by yourself for awhile after you're released, so I'd like you to come stay at my place."

"No, Liv, I can't do that," Amanda murmurs, trying to pull away from her. "I'm already such a nuisance. I know you don't really want me there."

"I _do_ want you there," Olivia replies softly, trying to hold onto her as gently as she can. "You can stay for as long as you need to. Let me take care of you."

"Why?" Amanda whispers, her voice catching. "Why are you being so nice to me? I know you hate me."

"I don't hate you, sweetheart," Olivia says, feeling close to tears again, and she has to remind herself that the other woman might not know what she is saying right now; might say some things she doesn't actually mean.

Amanda sniffles against her, leaning more heavily into her body now, and Olivia knows the exhaustion and pain are taking their toll on her.

"I don't hate you and I never have. I'm so sorry if I gave you that impression, Amanda."

There is no answer, and Olivia looks down to see that the smaller woman's eyes have closed and her breathing has evened out. She holds her tightly for a moment, not wanting to let her go, a fierce feeling of protectiveness washing over her.

Finally, she gently lowers Amanda back down onto the bed and resumes her seat in the uncomfortable chair, determined to watch over her until morning.


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda awakens to a loud hacking cough and she cracks open an eye open, looking around in bewilderment and wondering where she is. It feels like a railroad spike is being driven right into her brain and she remembers that she is in the hospital, although she is not quite sure why. She struggles to sit up in the bed, a wave of nausea overcoming her and her face feeling like it is on fire. One of her eyes won't seem to open and her nose feels like it has grown about three sizes.

The loud cough sounds again, from the other side of the curtain that has been pulled around her bed. That fuzzy feeling is still enveloping her, although it is definitely less pronounced now, and she squints down at the IV in her arm. Without thinking, she yanks it free and tosses it to the side, a tiny spurt of blood erupting on her skin. She presses the bed sheet to the small wound and swallows down another wave of nausea, noticing that the chair next to her bed is empty. She vaguely remembers Olivia sitting with her the night before, and wonders where she has gone.

"Um, you're not allowed to do that," a timid voice says, and Amanda looks up to see a small woman with long blonde braids, clad in pink polka-dotted nursing scrubs, standing at the foot of her bed. She is so young, she looks barely out of high school, and Amanda cocks her head to the side, not understanding what she is referring to.

"The IV," she nurse says, gesturing to her bleeding arm, and handing her a cotton ball to press against it. "You're not supposed to take it out on your own. We have to do that for you."

"It's my arm, isn't it?" Amanda mutters, feeling a spike of irritation for this woman who is so much younger than she is, yet seems to be talking down to her. "I don't want the drugs anymore. They're making me feel sick. I can't think properly."

The nurse nods sympathetically. "It's normal to feel that way with the medication. We can stop giving you painkillers, if that's what you really want, but it's not recommended."

"Well, it's what I want," Amanda says, trying to sound authoritative despite the tremor in her voice. She reaches over to pick up a TV remote that is sitting on the table next to the bed and tries to find the power button.

"Um, you're not allowed to do that either," the nurse tells her.

"Do what?" Amanda asks in exasperation. "Watch TV?"

The young woman has that sympathetic look on her face again and it only serves to ratchet up Amanda's irritation even further.

"No TV, no texting, no video games, no reading, no physical activity." The nurse rhymes off the list. "Nothing that is going to tax your brain over the next little while. The doctor explained all this to you when he came in on his rounds this morning, remember? You have a concussion and you need to take it easy."

"This morning?" Amanda looks over at the clock and is surprised to see that it is already mid-afternoon. Bits and pieces of the night and morning are floating around in her brain, and she has a vague memory of being wheeled back out of the room for tests and a gray haired man coming in to talk to her. She thinks she remembers having a conversation with Fin and Carisi in another part of the hospital, but she isn't entirely sure.

"I can't do any of that?" she grumbles. "What am I supposed to do all day?"

The nurse shrugs and smiles at her. "Just rest. We'll have to keep coming in to wake you up every two hours, though, because of the head injury."

"That sounds very restful," Amanda mutters sarcastically, and more of the last several hours are coming back to her; being awakened again and again by different nurses so they can shine lights in her eyes and take her blood pressure and temperature and ask her questions that she doesn't feel equipped to answer.

"I need to take your vital signs," the young woman is saying, but Amanda ignores her and starts sliding out of bed.

"Whoa, easy," the nurse says, rushing over to help her to her feet.

Amanda wobbles unsteadily for a moment, the pain wrapping around her head like a vise, and she pushes the other woman away from her. "I'm fine. I just need to use the bathroom."

"Okay, let me help you."

"I said, I'm fine," she snaps, feeling like her patience is hanging on by a thread. "I can do it myself. Please leave me alone."

"Okay," the nurse says, holding up her hands and backing off, that same timidity back in her expression. "Irritation and anger are normal with this kind of head injury. You're going to be prone to some mood swings and memory impairment for a little while. I'll come back shortly."

Amanda sighs and rolls her eyes, thinking that she is prone to mood swings anyway, and not sure the concussion has much to do with it. She walks slowly around the end of the bed and past the curtain, determined to make it to the bathroom without collapsing on the floor or calling the young nurse back in to help her.

"What a pussy," a husky voice snickers, and Amanda whirls around to see an extremely overweight woman sitting in the bed next to hers, a matching hospital gown pulled tight around her body, her short dark hair sticking up in spikes and face pockmarked with acne scars. One of her arms is in a cast and her lip is split, the shadow of a bruise ringing one eye. She is twirling an unlit cigarette through her fingers and raises it to her mouth to suck on the tip for a moment before pulling it away.

"Excuse me?" Amanda's eyebrows are raised.

"The nurse," the woman chuckles. "Doesn't have much backbone, that one. Scurries in and out of here like a scared little mouse. Not sure how she managed to get a job in one of the biggest hospitals in New York."

Amanda nods and turns away, not in the mood for another conversation.

"And speaking of pussies," the woman continues. "Is it true that you're a cop? What kind of cop whines and moans all night to her girlfriend? Never heard so much bellyaching in my life, the way you were carrying on over there."

Amanda stops dead in her tracks and turns back around with a frown. "Huh? My girlfriend? What are you talking about?"

"That tall drink of water with the dark hair that spent all night in here," the woman replies and leans over on the bed, hacking out a loud wet cough. "I must say, I think she's robbing the cradle with you, honey."

Amanda feels a red blush creeping up her chest and neck and into her face, her heart rate picking up as she has a brief flash of holding onto Olivia by her bedside, her arms locked around her boss' waist. There are bit and pieces of a conversation that are coming back to her, but she can't quite grab onto anything.

"She's not my girlfriend, she's my boss," she murmurs before she knows what she's saying, and the other woman guffaws as another cough wracks her body and she has to catch her breath.

"Your _boss_? Wow, my boss would never do that; come and spend the night at my hospital bed, crying over me. My boss hates my guts," she chuckles.

"Imagine that," Amanda murmurs, and then fixes her gaze on the other woman, who is biting down on the unlit cigarette now and chewing on the end. "She was crying?"

"She sure was," the woman replies, rolling her eyes. "Even more than you were. She was quiet about it, but I could still hear her. The two of you make a quite a pair. Could barely get any sleep in here last night with all the traffic in and out and the moaning and groaning on the other side of the curtain."

Amanda stares at this woman, who seems to know much more about her own business than she does, and wondering where Olivia is and why she isn't here. Her brain seems to be trying to grasp onto a memory but can't quite hold onto it, and she is concerned about what has happened during the night that she can't remember.

"'Don't leave me, don't leave me'," the other woman mimics and laughs, interrupted by another round of coughing. "Pussy cop."

Amanda stands there rooted to the spot, a white hot flame of anger suddenly burning through the fuzziness in her brain. Where does this miserable woman get off, speaking to her like this and judging her for things she can't control? She is so sick of people talking down to her, making her feel small and hurting her with their words. Humiliation is wrapped up with the anger, and Amanda has a flash of begging her boss not to leave her there alone, certain the other woman had been abandoning her when she had stood up from her chair, that familiar panic at being cast aside yet again.

She feels the emotions come bubbling up to the surface and has to clamp down on her rage, her embarrassment, and her utter helplessness at the situation.

The woman must know she has taken it a step too far because she holds her hand up, the cigarette slipping from her fingers. "Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Don't arrest me, okay?"

Amanda grits her teeth and turns to leave, wanting nothing more than to get away from this odd, unpleasant person and have some time to herself to sort out what has happened over the past day. It is so hard to think with the constant pounding in her brain and the pain radiating from her cheeks and nose, but she needs to try and recall the events that have led her to this point.

"Good idea," the woman says, as Amanda heads toward the bathroom. "You go get cleaned up. No offense, honey, but you look even worse in the light of day than you did when they brought you in here last night."

Amanda sighs and keeps walking, determined to make this woman stop talking to her.

"Just one more thing," the woman says, emitting another harsh cough.

"Jesus," Amanda mutters, turning around. "What is it?"

"How do you _not_ know if you've been raped?"

Amanda freezes, her heart skipping a beat. "W-what?" she stutters out.

"I heard you talking over there last night. And I heard what the nurses were saying." The woman is staring at her like she has grown a second head. "I mean, you're a cop, right? How do you not know something like that?"

Amanda suddenly claps a hand over her mouth and rushes into the bathroom, ignoring the overwhelming pain of the sudden movement and collapses onto the floor in front of the toilet, vomiting violently. She throws up over and over until there is nothing left in her stomach, and she is slumped there with sweat beading her brow, her breath coming out in short, harsh pants.

Everything from the night before is flooding back to her; the motel, the man, the strangeness of the situation, the feeling that something was wrong. She remembers taunting him and laughing at the absurdity of the situation that she had found herself in; and his unexpected reaction, a violence that was different from the norm, her head slamming forcefully into the wall, blood everywhere, laying on the bed exhausted and ready to give up, the man pushing himself inside of her as she had cried.

Amanda covers her mouth in horror, a loud sob bursting its way through, and she rocks back and forth on the floor, desperately trying to hold in her cries, the memories swamping her now; the lobby of Olivia's apartment building, the ambulance, Fin and Carisi in the emergency room, trying to get through the questions and conversations, everything confusing, everything hurting, everyone in her face, trying to get her to share her personal life, the things that are only for her, the things that no one else is supposed to know about, the guilt, the shame, the reason she does the things she does.

Amanda leans over the toilet again, only throwing up bile now but unable to stop the violent retching. She has completely lost control and feels absolutely powerless. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. _She_ was the one who had controlled the situation with the man, with _Eric_ , she was the one who had initiated the first contact between them, she was the one who had decided that it was okay for him to hurt her, she had decided that this was to be her punishment; just a small way to rectify the damage that she had wrought by her indiscretion with Patton, what Reese Taymor now had to live with because of her.

But that has all been taken away from her. The man had violently wrenched away her control the night before and now her secret has been exposed.

Suddenly that is all she can feel, _him_ , on top of her, inside of her, his sweat on her skin, the smell of him clinging to her hair. She needs to get him off of her. Without thinking, she leans over to turn on the shower, reaching behind her to struggle with the ties on the gown and then standing there naked when the garment falls to floor and pools at her feet.

There is a sudden loud banging on the door just as Amanda is about to step into the shower stall and she is startled, leaning over to turn the water off.

"Amanda, can you please open the door?"

She grits her teeth in frustration. Apparently Olivia has returned from wherever she had disappeared to and is now back in her hospital room, in her business. Why can't everyone just leave her _alone_?

Another knock sounds when she doesn't answer right away. "Amanda, are you okay? Can you please let me in? I'm sorry I had to leave. I got called in for a case, but I'm back now."

She sighs and squats down on the floor, holding her gown up in front of her. She knows Olivia will not go away unless she thinks Amanda is alright. "It's not locked. If you want to come in, go ahead."

The door opens and Olivia steps inside, shutting it again behind her. When the older woman turns around, she puts a hand briefly to her mouth, and Amanda imagines she is quite the pathetic sight, all black and blue and crouching naked in the corner of the bathroom with only a flimsy gown for cover.

"Amanda, what's going on?" Olivia asks gently. "I thought I heard the shower turn on."

"Well, that's what one generally does when they're about to take a shower," Amanda murmurs, holding the gown up higher against herself and wishing she had put it all the way back on.

"I thought you were going to wait on that for awhile. I think we need to sit down and talk about things first, Amanda. You know you can't have a rape kit done if you've taken a shower. You're going to wash away the evidence." Olivia crouches down on the floor next to her, and Amanda tries to slide away without disturbing the positioning of the gown that she is holding protectively over herself.

"I don't want to have a rape kit done," Amanda says firmly. "You don't even understand the situation. You don't know what you're talking about."

"I understand that something terrible happened to you last night," Olivia says softly. "And I want to understand as much as can about what happened, but I can't unless you tell me the whole story. Right now I only have bits and pieces of it."

"You have enough," Amanda mutters. "You don't get to have anymore than that. This is my business, this is my punishment."

Olivia looks at her with a wrinkled brow. "Your punishment?"

Amanda curses herself; she had not meant to let that slip.

"What are you punishing yourself for, honey?" Olivia's voice is that calm, quiet tone that Amanda is used to hearing when they are dealing with rape victims and other victims of crime during the course of their job.

A white hot rage suddenly bubbles up from inside of her. "I am _not_ a damn victim, Olivia," she hisses. "Stop treating me like one."

"Okay, I'm sorry," Olivia replies, shifting away from her a little. "Look, Amanda, can you please come back out into the room so we can have a conversation?"

"Back out there?" She snorts out a half laugh. "So that obnoxious, bitchy roommate of mine can listen to all my conversations again? I don't think so."

"Well, somewhere else, then," Olivia says. "I'm sure I can find us a private room someplace."

"There's no point," Amanda replies, feeling like the last thread of her patience is about to snap.

Olivia fixes her with a serious look, her brown eyes locked onto Amanda's half-open blue one. "So you're just going to let this guy get away with it because you're punishing yourself? What if he goes out and does this to someone else?"

"Don't put that on me, Olivia!" Amanda snaps. "I'm not in control of what he does."

"Amanda-"

"No, NO!" she yells, trying to back as far into the corner as she possibly can. "I need all of this to stop. Enough now. Please. I can't take anymore."

"Amanda-"

"Olivia, _please_." This time the words are dragged out on a sob. "I'm going to break. Please just stop."

Olivia falls silent and Amanda rests her head on her knees, desperately trying to control all of the emotions that are threatening to burst forth. She feels a gentle hand on her gown-covered leg and her throat is clogged with tears, her chest tight with the effort of remaining in control.

Her eyes are closed but she feels Olivia shift closer to her on the floor, a hand rubbing her leg soothingly.

"Amanda, I know you're probably feeling a lot of things right now, especially because of the concussion-"

Amanda interrupts her with a sigh. "Why can't I have a legitimate emotion without it being blamed on the concussion?"

"Okay, you're right," Olivia says, and she sounds tired, weary, like she is as worn down by this day as Amanda herself is. "Look, I feel like I'm saying all the wrong things to you here. I'm sorry if I'm putting pressure on you. But this rape kit is important."

Amanda slides her arms through the sleeves of her gown and struggles to her feet, trying to hold the sides together when they gape at the back. "I'm going to take a shower now," she says firmly, as Olivia stands up beside her.

They stare at each other in silence for a moment, Olivia's gaze deep and penetrating and Amanda has to look away.

"Please don't do this," Olivia says softly, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

"You can't stop me," Amanda responds, pulling away from her. "You want to stand there and watch, go ahead."

She may have lost control over every other aspect of her life but in this moment, for this one thing, _she_ is the one in control. Amanda takes a deep breath and reaches in to turn on the shower.


	6. Chapter 6

"Well, here we are. Home sweet home," Olivia says quietly, leading Amanda through the doorway of her apartment.

The small blonde detective shuffles inside beside her, swollen eyes obscured by a pair of giant sunglasses, blonde head bent and long hair hanging down to hide part of her battered face.

Olivia glances at the other woman as she sets down her things. Amanda has maintained a rigid silence since leaving the hospital and traveling to her apartment to pick up everything she would need during her stay at Olivia's. It has been a very awkward morning so far.

Amanda had spent another night in the hospital for observation before being released that morning. It is Saturday now, so they have the weekend to try to get things sorted out; for Amanda to get settled into a new routine at Olivia's and for Olivia to figure out what she's going to do about work the following week. She knows she won't feel comfortable leaving the other woman alone for quite awhile, so she intends to take some time off, and has her hands full trying to juggle everything. Amanda still seems so fragile, a little unsteady on her feet and very subdued, and at this point Olivia is not even sure she feels comfortable leaving her alone for more than a few minutes.

The last day has been rough. After their encounter in the hospital bathroom the afternoon before, Amanda had completely shut down, refusing to talk about anything and trying to block any of their attempts to visit her. She had taken a shower, not allowed any further medical examinations to take place, and refuses to participate in her case in any way, shape, or form. The case has pretty much stalled out at this point and there is not much more they can do until Amanda decides she wants to cooperate. Fin and Carisi's interviews at the addiction support group hadn't turned up much. They have a vague description of Eric, but he is apparently a very infrequent visitor among all the members coming and going, and not many people seem able to recall him.

Olivia's frustration level is at an all-time high and she is trying her best not to take it out on the smaller woman. The depth of anger and disappointment she had felt at Amanda's refusal of the rape exam and subsequent shower had surprised her, and she had been forced to leave the hospital room before she had exploded on the other woman. She knows Fin and Carisi are just as anxious and frustrated as she is, and she privately thinks that the nurses had been relived when Amanda had finally been released and they didn't have to deal with all of the drama anymore.

Every single thing has been a fight with the younger woman, especially when it had come to staying at Olivia's place. She had outright refused, maintaining that she could take care of herself and not wanting to be a burden, despite all of Olivia's assurances to the contrary. Amanda had only grudgingly agreed after her doctor had come in to speak with her, informing her that she would not be released unless she had someone to stay with.

Olivia is so exhausted from the events of the past few days that all she wants to do is collapse into bed and close her eyes, even if only for a few minutes.

Frannie suddenly comes bounding out of the spare bedroom that Olivia uses for her office and any guests that come to stay, dancing excitedly around her owner and licking her hand over and over. Amanda's icy exterior finally melts somewhat and she cracks a smile as she looks down at her dog, giving her a pat on the head.

"She's missed you," Olivia says with a grin. "I think she knows which bedroom you'll be staying in while you're here. She's been waiting for you in there."

Amanda plops down on the couch, not even sparing Olivia a glance, Frannie's head immediately in her lap and the canine whining for some attention.

Olivia suppresses a sigh as she looks down at the smaller woman, hoping her entire stay isn't going to be this silent and awkward.

"So what do you want to do?" she asks. "Do you want to lie down for awhile and get some rest?"

Amanda shrugs. "I guess. There's not much else I can do, is there? I'm not allowed to do anything."

"You can sit there and stare at the wall," Olivia jokes, desperate to alleviate some of the tension.

Amanda doesn't respond and this time Olivia does sigh, loudly, and carries the smaller woman's things into the spare bedroom, arranging everything so the detective can properly reach things without putting too much pressure on her head and other injuries.

When she returns to the living room, Amanda is still sitting in the same spot on the couch, her arms crossed as she stares straight ahead. It looks remarkably like she is pouting and Olivia has to suppress a sudden smile; the small detective looks like a disgruntled toddler sitting there with her lower lip jutting out slightly, and Olivia actually finds it cute. She guesses Amanda would be angry if she knew what she was thinking, so she wipes the smile off her face and leans down to look at her.

"Amanda, what are you doing?"

"Staring at the wall, just like you told me to," the other woman grumbles, still refusing to look at her.

Olivia covers her face in exasperation, honestly not knowing whether to burst into laughter or tears. She has never met anyone more utterly infuriating in her life and is so overwhelmingly tired, frustrated, and worried, that she needs a break to get her emotions in check.

"Okay, Amanda, I think you need to go lay down."

"Why? Am I bothering you?" Amanda asks, finally glancing up at her. "I told you it was a bad idea for me to stay here. You're going to end up regretting it."

"Amanda, please go lie down now," Olivia says sternly, and she has to remind herself that Amanda is going to be even more ornery than usual for awhile, due to the head injury. Her doctor had taken Olivia aside and explained everything that might happen over the next couple of weeks; that Amanda's emotions might be up and down because of the concussion and other trauma, and she knows she has to try very hard to reign in the usual impatience that she seems to have during any of her dealings with the younger woman.

She expects Amanda to balk at this but she just gets up from the couch and walks into the spare room, Frannie trailing eagerly behind her. Olivia follows her into the room, making sure she is comfortable in bed and doesn't need anything before shutting the door behind her and leaning against it, breathing a sigh of relief.

She glances longingly at her own bed as she passes her bedroom on the way to the kitchen, but she needs to catch up on all the dishes she has neglected to wash over the last couple of days, and other household chores that have fallen by the wayside.

Fin and Carisi have both texted her, asking if it's okay to stop by and see Amanda at some point during the day, and she has reluctantly agreed. Olivia herself would appreciate the company, but she is concerned about Amanda's reaction to seeing everyone again and wondering if she will feel too worn out to participate in any conversation.

xxxxxxxxxx

It is early in the afternoon when Olivia finally sits down on the couch with a sandwich and a can of Coke, putting her feet up on the coffee table and closing her eyes for a brief moment. It has been completely silent in Amanda's room since Olivia had tucked her into bed, and she guesses that both the detective and her dog are finally getting some much-needed rest.

There is a soft knock at her apartment door and Olivia opens her eyes, fixing them on the ceiling and wishing she could just have a few more minutes of relaxation. She puts her finger to her lips and motions back toward the bedrooms when Fin and Carisi enter, Fin carrying a huge bouquet of brightly colored flowers.

"Oh, is she sleeping?" Carisi whispers. "We'll try to keep it down."

Their entrance into the apartment must have alerted Frannie, because there is suddenly whining and scratching coming from the other side of the door to the spare room.

Carisi winces. "Oops, sorry about that."

He and Fin both sit down on the couch next to Olivia as Amanda comes shuffling out of the bedroom, wrapped in a quilt with her hair mused, and takes a seat on the chair across from them. Frannie is prancing around excitedly, trying to get the attention of the guys, but everyone's focus has shifted to the small woman who is sitting there silently with her head bowed.

"Hey there, sweetheart," Fin says, laying the giant bouquet on the coffee table. "How ya feeling? You're looking a little better."

Olivia knows this is an outright lie, as Amanda actually looks worse now than she had in the hospital, the bruises deepening and the swelling enhancing. She still can't open one of her eyes and the other one remains half closed.

Amanda looks up at this, a corner of her lip turning up slightly. "Liar. I look like hell."

"Yeah, you kinda do," Carisi agrees, and Olivia is surprised when Amanda glances at him and lets out a small chuckle.

"Gee, thanks, Carisi," she mutters, and they smile shyly at each other.

The tension seems to be broken with this simple exchange and they all chat for several minutes, the topics mundane and unimportant. Amanda expresses delight over the flowers Fin has brought and Frannie takes turns trotting from person to person for head and belly rubs.

Olivia is privately relieved with the how the visit is going so far, and struggles with the decision of whether or not to bring up the case with Eric, now that they are all together in the same room and Amanda is actually deigning to speak with them. She doesn't want to rock the boat but feels that they need to try and talk to the small detective about it, at least one more time.

Fin seems to feel the same way, because he leans forward all of a sudden. "Amanda, can we talk for a minute?"

The small blonde immediately looks wary. "Isn't that what we've been doing?" she mumbles.

"You know what I mean, honey," Fin says gently.

Amanda sighs and rubs her face tiredly, looking like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. "Okay, talk."

"We thought this might be a little easier to do now," Carisi says, his voice as gentle as Fin's. "Now that you're a little more lucid than you were the other night."

Amanda covers her eyes for a moment, looking embarrassed. "Yeah, I know you came to talk to me in the emergency room. It was pretty bad, wasn't it? I think I said some things that were a little strange."

"It's okay, Amanda," Olivia assures her softly. "We know you were on a lot of medication and your head injury was fresh."

"It wasn't that bad," Carisi adds. "Kind of like talking to a goofy little kid who was very forgetful."

Amanda gives him a slight smile.

Olivia flashes back to that night in Amanda's hospital room when she and the other woman were alone behind the curtain, Amanda clinging desperately to her, alternately begging her not to leave and accusing her of hating her. Olivia had been surprised at the depth of her own emotions that night; her neediness to be with her squad, the constant effort to hold back her tears, and then being unable to do so when the smaller woman had been so traumatized and so completely out of it, due to the drugs and the injuries. She had never seen that side of Amanda before, and she finds that her mind keeps wandering back to those moments they had shared; the raw emotions and physical comfort that she had tried to provide and that Amanda had actually willingly accepted.

"We went to your support group and couldn't really get much information from anyone," Fin is saying. "It would help if you could give us a physical description of this Eric guy."

Amanda looks away, seemingly very ill at ease now, and Olivia suddenly feels like they are ganging up on her even though they need this information very badly. The small woman is slumped across from them, huddled in the blanket with her shoulders drawn up to her ears, the three of them lined up on the couch and all of their attention focused on their colleague.

"What about your phone?" she asks, changing the subject. "Do you have his number on there?"

"I do, but it doesn't matter," Amanda mutters. "He has a bunch of prepaid phones that he uses, each one for a different thing. He uses one for me and the others for his gambling stuff. You know how hard they are to trace, and he's probably gotten rid of it by now, anyway."

"Well, it would still help to have it," Fin replies. "So he told you this, that he uses different phones for different things? What else has he said to you?"

"Not much," Amanda says with a shrug. "We hardly ever talk. The most talking we did was the first time we met. It was just a short conversation."

"You seem to have trouble remembering his name, even though he has told you a couple of times." Olivia's voice is gentle. "Why is that?"

"It didn't seem important." Amanda's voice is low and Olivia is studying her very carefully, the shame the small woman is carrying entirely evident now.

"You mentioned that he's still gambling," Carisi says. "So he's in a support group for this, but still continues to gamble regularly? Do you know where he does this?"

"No," Amanda replies, and her voice sounds strained. "As I said, there isn't a lot of talk when we see each other."

Olivia is observing the other woman closely, and is beginning to get a clearer picture of what's been going on. "How often do you see each other?" she asks very gently.

Amanda has her head down now, her gaze fixed on the carpet, the parts of her face that aren't bruised mottled a deep reddish color. "Once every week or two."

"So this wasn't a one-time thing the other night?" Fin wants to know. "You mentioned before that you met him at a motel. Do you meet at the same motel every time? You couldn't remember which one it was, but do you remember now?"

Amanda covers her face with her hands and Olivia gets off the couch to kneel down beside her chair, resting a hand on her knee. "Amanda, it's okay," she says softly. "There's no judgment here."

"Well, I'm judging myself," Amanda suddenly snarls, putting her hands down and fixing Olivia with an anguished look, her eyes brimming with tears. "We meet each other for sex. Is that what you guys want to know? We meet to fuck our brains out, okay? And I let him hurt me because it's what I deserve and I hate myself. I'm a disgusting slut, alright? There, are you happy now?"

Olivia looks at Fin and Carisi in stunned silence, their shocked expressions matching her own. Amanda gets off the chair, the quilt falling at her feet, and hurries into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Frannie seems very distressed by this and paces outside the door, whimpering.

Fin gets up off the couch and starts walking over to the bathroom, but Olivia puts a hand on his arm. "Just leave her alone," she whispers. "She needs some time."

"Well, at least we have some information that we didn't have before," Carisi says with a small shake of his head.

"Yeah, but at what cost?" Olivia replies softly, and they look at each other in silence for a moment, listening to the shower turn on in the bathroom. Frannie has slumped down against the door, her head resting on her paws and a forlorn expression on her face.

Twenty minutes later, the shower is still running and there is not much left to say. Fin and Carisi leave, and Olivia knows they are both very upset by what has transpired, and she offers to text them later to let them know how things are going.

She is tempted to knock on the bathroom door but tries to refrain from doing so, knowing that Amanda needs some time to relax and cool down. She heads into the kitchen and begins searching through the fridge for something they can eat for dinner, trying to hold back the swirl of thoughts and emotions running through her mind after the detective's disturbing revelation.

Olivia is preparing a salad on the counter when there is a sudden loud thump from the bathroom, followed by a shrill scream. She drops the knife she is holding, completely startled, and dashes down the hallway. Frannie is dancing anxiously at the door, and lets out a howl when she sees Olivia.

She gently shoves the dog out of the way and tries the knob, not even bothering to knock and relieved that it isn't locked. She is not very concerned with the other woman's privacy at the moment and bursts into the bathroom, frantically calling Amanda's name.

The shower curtain is pulled, but Olivia can hear the younger woman's agonized sobs coming from inside the tub.

"Amanda, what happened? Are you alright?" Her heart is hammering in her chest as she waits to hear the other woman's response.

There is no answer, only more sobbing, and Olivia steps up to the edge of the tub. "Amanda, talk to me now, or I'm going to have to pull the curtain back."

There is a choking sound coming from the other side of the curtain now and it sounds like the younger woman is vomiting, so she yanks it back, her heart breaking at what she sees. Amanda is crouched naked at the bottom of the tub, holding onto her head and retching violently.

"Oh my god," Olivia murmurs in alarm, and without thinking, she climbs into the tub behind her, her hands on the smaller woman's back, trying to get a look at her face. "Honey, what happened? Did you hurt yourself?" Her clothes are immediately soaked through with water and sticking to her.

Amanda is crying so hard, she can hardly speak, deep sobs of pain and anguish. She sits up and wipes her mouth with a shaky hand, the other hand still holding onto her head. "I s-slipped," she stutters out through her tears. "I was using the bottle of conditioner and I went to put it back, and I tripped and bumped my head. I still can't see very well. Oh god, it hurts so much."

"Oh, sweetheart." Olivia quickly shuts the water off, pulling Amanda into her arms, and there is no objection at all from the other woman; she just lays her head against Olivia's chest and continues to cry. She imagines that Amanda has done what she herself has done several times; just slipped and bumped her head, but with the concussion, it must be excruciating.

She is concerned about the severe amount of pain the other woman seems to be in and the fact that she has thrown up, and leans away to get a better look at her. "Amanda, maybe we need to take you back to the hospital to get looked at," she suggests gently.

"No!" Amanda responds quickly, her grip around Olivia becoming tighter. "Please, I don't want to go back there. I'll be okay. It just stunned me for a minute."

"I can get you some pain medication," Olivia suggests, and is again met with resistance.

"No drugs," Amanda says firmly, and hiccups.

"Okay, no hospital and no drugs right now, but we'll see how you're doing in a little while," Olivia says, still very worried as she smoothes the other woman's wet hair back from her battered face.

Amanda doesn't answer and they sit there quietly for several minutes, Olivia continuing to her hold her and listening to the smaller woman's sniffles. Her heart is aching for the detective and she wishes there was some way to ease the incredible amount of physical and emotional pain she seems to be in.

Finally, Amanda pulls away and fixes her with a sheepish gaze. "I guess we should get out now. Sorry, Liv. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Don't apologize," Olivia says, looking at her with concern. "Are you sure you're alright?"

Amanda nods and shifts to stand up, trying to cover herself as they both get to their feet. Olivia leans out of the tub and grabs a towel to wrap around the small woman, but not before she gets a good look at the bruises and other marks littering her body. She bites her lip hard to keep tears from springing to her eyes, and helps Amanda step out of the tub onto the floor.

She is just climbing out after her, when the other woman's knees start to buckle. "Shit," she mutters frantically, grabbing Amanda around the waist and trying to lower them to the floor without falling.

Olivia ends up sprawled across the tiles with Amanda in her lap, and realizes the other woman has started sobbing again. "Sweetheart." She hugs Amanda to her chest and rocks her gently, blinking rapidly to stop her own tears. "Honey, talk to me. I know this has been an awful day. I'm so sorry you're going through this."

Amanda doesn't answer; just continues to cry in a defeated, exhausted manner, and Olivia waits for the embarrassment to come, the realization that she is sitting naked on her boss' lap, the need to pull away, but it doesn't. Amanda is shivering against her and she knows they should stand up and get dried off but she remains seated, holding the other woman protectively against her.

"He knows my name," Amanda says suddenly.

"What?" Olivia leans down to look at her.

"The man. Eric. He knows my full name. What if he comes after me?"

Olivia's feels her heart rate begin to pick up at this new information but she remains outwardly calm, rubbing her hand up and down Amanda's back. "We will do everything in our power to prevent that from happening, I promise."

She feels Amanda nod against her.

"Honey, you mentioned that you were punishing yourself by being with Eric, that you let him hurt you, that you deserve it. Can you tell me why?"

Amanda is quiet for a moment and Olivia thinks she has taken things too far, has asked too much after all the pain and agony of the day, and she doesn't expect a response.

After a moment of silence, Amanda leans away from her, their gazes locking, and she stares intently at Olivia.

"Okay, I'll tell you."


	7. Chapter 7

Amanda sits cross-legged on the couch in her boss' living room, tucked underneath a blanket as she sips a cup of tea. Olivia is beside her, sharing the same blanket and also drinking tea, and Frannie is sprawled at their feet, sound asleep and snoring lightly, as if this day has sapped her strength. It is raining outside now, the gentle patter of water against the windows and the dim lighting giving the room a cozy feel.

Amanda feels more calm now, although her splitting headache has ratcheted up a notch due to her fall in the shower and is pounding even worse than it usually is. She has finally convinced Olivia not to take her back to the hospital, and they are now dried off and dressed and sitting in silence; but strangely it does not feel like the awkward silence of earlier in the day, despite what has just occurred between them, and the conversation they are about to have.

For the first time since this whole mess has begun, Amanda actually wants to share her guilt and shame with someone; feels a sudden need to get it out in the open and get it off her chest. Despite the extreme ups and downs she and her boss have been through together over the past few days, she suddenly feels that Olivia is the only person she can talk to about this, the only person she _wants_ to talk to. Most of the story is already out, anyway; it's just missing the beginning, the reason why everything had started.

She feels tired and wrung out and depleted and it had actually been a relief to cry so hard in the bathroom and have someone hold her through it. Amanda has been holding in so much for so long and it has slowly been breaking her down. She just can't live like this anymore; this strange, degrading double life she has been leading. Maybe Olivia can help her finally put an end to this self-destructive behavior. She is worn out and longs to return to the time before Eric had come into her life; before their fateful meeting in the support group, before everything had started spiraling so wildly out of control. There is a tiny part of her that is suddenly hopeful that she will be able to learn to live with herself, to accept the awful things she has done and the role she has played in certain events, and possibly attempt to move on from them; to try and dig herself out of this dark, destructive hole she seems to have fallen into. Perhaps there will come a time in her life when she will finally be able to forgive herself.

Olivia is gazing patiently at her over the rim of her teacup, and Amanda feels an intense stab of guilt when she glances at her. Her boss looks beyond exhausted; skin pale, smudges of blue standing out under her eyes, and her hair still damp from their shower misadventure. The older woman has gone through a lot for her over the past few days, had gone to bat for her, had kept trying to come to her rescue, when Amanda never thought she would. She has been putting Olivia through so much, and she resolves to at least try to stop taking her hurt and anger and pain out on the other woman.

Her thoughts flash to Fin and Carisi and she is consumed with more guilt, her face reddening with embarrassment when she recalls confessing everything and then running from the room to slam the bathroom door like some kind of dramatic teenager. She just can't seem to keep herself under control, these emotional outbursts bubbling to the surface and unable to be contained. She knows her squad is doing everything they can to help her get through this, but she feels overwhelmed by having her personal life on display for everyone to pick apart and judge.

For right now at least, in this moment, it is just she and Olivia here, only one person she has to confide in now, only one person to listen to the shame, humiliation and degradation that she needs to confess. One person to listen to the reason she had needed to punish herself, to put herself through this, and why she had needed to keep it a secret.

"I haven't been feeling well for a long time now," Amanda suddenly mumbles. "Emotionally," she adds when Olivia gives her a questioning frown. "I've been living with a lot of things I haven't wanted to talk about, and I've been doing things outside of work to try to keep my mind of off them. It's been very black inside my head for a long time now."

Olivia is looking at her silently, her gaze empathetic and kind, and Amanda reaches down to stroke a hand over Frannie's soft fur as she gathers her courage.

"For awhile now, I've been dating off and on, drinking probably more than I should and hitting some of the bars after work. My support group was the only thing that seemed to be going well in my life, the only place I actually looked forward to going. I felt comfortable there, the only place I really belonged, with people who understood me. That was my safe place."

Amanda pauses for a moment. "Then one night, a few months back, he was there. The man. _Eric_ ," she corrects, thinking she will never get used to the fact that he actually has a name; doesn't _want_ to get used to it. It had been so much easier when he was just some nameless guy, just some random person as screwed up as she herself is, someone who wasn't supposed to play such a dominating role in her life.

"We were going around the circle, everyone talking in turn, and when it got to him, he spoke a little but not much. He's never been big on conversation. But something he said resonated within me; he seemed to have the same kind of darkness I had." She shrugs, glancing over at Olivia, who is still watching her intently and nodding for her to go on.

"I was the one who approached him, not the other way around. I started this whole thing, I got the ball rolling on this whole mess. I had stayed behind that night to help clean up, and when I walked outside later on, he was sitting on the steps, smoking a cigarette, like he had nowhere else to be." She pauses again. "So I sat down beside him and started talking to him. We chatted for a few minutes, and that was the most we've ever spoken during our entire time together. That one conversation was all it took. Half an hour later, we were in the motel room."

Another pause and this time Amanda closes her eyes for a moment. She feels Olivia's comforting hand on her arm, giving her a slight squeeze, and she looks up, her eyes fixed on the older woman. "I noticed right away that he wasn't like most of the other guys I've had sex with. I mean, there have been a few that have gotten a little rough from time to time, but nothing like this. Right from the get go, he was pushy and aggressive and violent, but instead of scaring me off, it only intrigued me."

She rubs her sore head tiredly for a moment. "I knew right then that I had found what I needed, that this brutal man could punish me for the things I deserved. That it was okay for him to hurt me, to inflict all this pain on me, as long as I could keep it hidden. As long as it could be something that was only between us. So I urged him on, let him keep doing it; and the more he did it, the better it was, because it was what needed to happen. It was entirely consensual, Olivia," she says, when she sees the other woman's concerned frown.

"Why did it need to happen?" Olivia asks softly. "It may have been consensual at first, but I don't think it was the other night." Amanda can feel the other woman's gaze boring into her own. "Am I right about that? Look at yourself, honey. I don't think you wanted this to happen."

Amanda tries to swallow around the sudden lump in her throat, not wanting to cry again. Even though she had needed it, had needed that close comfort and release, Olivia had seen her at her most vulnerable, had seen her naked and soaked to the skin and vomiting, had seen the bruises on her body. She's not sure she can handle another scene like that right now.

"It was consensual at first," she murmurs. "He sent me a text and I agreed to meet him at our usual spot. I thought it was going to be just like every other time. I figured it was better than staying at home, trying to stay awake."

Olivia is looking at her questioningly now, but she keeps talking. "I knew something was wrong right away because at first he seemed less interested in the sex and more interested in talking, which isn't the way we do things. But then I noticed that he seemed to be high on something, so I made a comment about it." Amanda fixes her gaze on the blanket, tracing a finger over the red and blue checkered pattern. "I guess he didn't appreciate what I said because he threw me against the wall. I had no idea that it was even coming. I couldn't stop myself from hitting it so hard."

Her mind is swirling with disturbing memories from that night and she feels the urge to vomit again, but tries to suppress it and get through the rest of the conversation. "He just wouldn't stop after that. I couldn't get away from him. He was so violent, and bigger and stronger, and finally I just gave up and told him to get it over with. I was so tired and there was so much blood everywhere and I couldn't think properly with all the pain." She is looking at Olivia now. "I told him to do it, Liv."

Olivia shifts closer to her under the blanket so their sides are touching, and Amanda feels the older woman take her hand. "I doesn't matter if you told him to do it," she says gently. "It still doesn't make it right. You were injured and bleeding and not in your right mind. You couldn't get away from him."

Amanda is trying as hard as she can to hold down the sob that is bubbling up in her throat, as the memories of that night swamp her. Despite all she has been through in her life, she can't remember a time when she had felt so afraid, so out of control, and wonders what would have happened if she hadn't given in and had kept fighting. Maybe she wouldn't even be here right now. Maybe he would have killed her.

That thought sends a violent shudder through her and she can't seem to stop shaking. Olivia wraps an arm around her shoulders and they sit there quietly for a moment, Amanda taking deep breaths and trying to get herself back under control. She just needs to get through this and can't shut down now.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Amanda?" the older woman asks softly, and Amanda thinks she can detect a slight tremor in her tone. "What did you do that was so bad that you felt this was the only way to rectify things?"

"Reese Taymor," Amanda blurts out, and she feels Olivia stiffen next to her and hears her breath catch in her throat.

"This is because of what happened with Patton?" Olivia murmurs, and Amanda tilts her head to the side, sure she can detect a twinge of guilt in the other woman's tone.

"It was my fault," Amanda whispers. "All that business that happened in Atlanta so long ago, all of the things I kept to myself so he was free to do it again. Why couldn't I have just told someone? Why did I have to be such a coward?"

"Amanda, you are _not_ a coward," Olivia responds, her voice suddenly stern. "What happened with Patton was not your fault. I just wish you could have come to one of us about this, when everything with Eric started; let us help you before it got so out of control."

Amanda pulls away from her, one eyebrow arched high on her forehead. "Would it really have mattered, Liv?" she asks quietly, trying to keep the accusatory tone from her voice. "What would have been different now? Where were you after after everything with Patton came out last year, everything with Reese? I needed someone, but I was alone. Why would this time have been any different?"

They are staring at each other and Olivia looks stricken, her eyes shimmering with tears. She puts a hand to her mouth for a moment. "Amanda-" she starts to say, but is interrupted.

Amanda gets to her feet, no longer feeling able to participate in this conversation. She has tried so hard to remain calm, to get everything out that needs to be said, and despite everything Olivia has done for her over the past few days, there is still the sharp sting of betrayal when she thinks of everything she has suffered through alone since Patton had came to New York, since another of her deepest and darkest secrets had been revealed.

"Liv, I think I need to go lie down for a bit," she says, her voice tight. "I've had enough for now."

Olivia doesn't say anything and they continue to regard each other intently for a moment, before Amanda walks away down the hall with Frannie at her heels.

Her head feels so heavy, the pain digging its claws into her brain, and she lays down on the bed, closing her eyes gratefully. It had suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on her in the living room, and she just needs a break. Her heart is racing furiously with her revelation to Olivia and she needs to try to calm down, control her breathing and relax. This is all too much.

Frannie leaps up onto the bed next to her and Amanda snuggles into her side, feeling sleep overtake her almost instantly.

xxxxxxxxxx

There is an insistent knocking on the door and Amanda opens her eyes, looking around in bleary confusion for a moment. It is dark out now, the room nearly black and the rain hammering harder against the windows. "Come in," she calls, frowning when there is no answer and the door doesn't open.

The knock sounds again, and she realizes it is coming from the main door to the apartment. She struggles to her feet, wondering why Olivia hasn't answered it. Frannie is still sound asleep beside her, not jolting to her feet like she usually does when there is a visitor.

"Am I the only one awake in here?" Amanda mumbles, as she shuffles slowly into the hallway. "I guess so," she adds when she sees Olivia curled up on the couch, her eyes closed and the blanket pulled up to her chin.

The knock sounds again, more impatiently this time, and Amanda flicks an irritated gaze toward her boss. "Liv, there's someone at your door."

Olivia lets out a light snore and Amanda sighs in annoyance. "It's okay, don't get up. Let the person with the head injury answer it."

She shuffles toward the door and is alarmed when it suddenly starts opening slowly. "Um, Liv, you forgot to lock your door," she says, feeling a sudden stab of fear.

The door opens wider and Amanda is panicked, looking desperately back at the couch. "Olivia, please wake up." She frantically tries to remember where she has left her gun, where her boss has left hers, and realizes they are both probably back in the bedrooms. She knows there is no way she can get there in time, not with her injuries.

She is rooted to the spot, frozen in terror, as the door swings all the way open and he is standing there. The man.

"Amanda Rollins," he says with a grin, stepping inside and closing and locking the door behind him. His eyes travel up and down her body, a smirk curling his lips. "I must say, you've looked better."

"W-what are you doing here?" Amanda stutters, her heart racing out of control and sweat beading at her temple. "How did you find me?"

The man smiles and says nothing, taking a step toward her.

Amanda stands there, shaking violently, her hands clenched into fists, and she looks around wildly for something that can be used as a weapon. Her eyes fall to the couch where Olivia is still curled up, dead to the world, and she frowns. "Olivia, please wake up," she says desperately. "Help me."

There is no response from the older woman and she watches as the man's eyes flicker toward Olivia, a look of interest passing over his dark gaze. "Well, who's this tall drink of water?" he asks, starting toward the couch. "I think she's robbing the cradle with you, honey."

"What?" Amanda murmurs in confusion, certain she has had this conversation before, in another place and time.

"I'll tell you what," the man says, bending down over Olivia's prone form on the couch. "Why don't we make it a threesome tonight?"

"Don't touch her!" Amanda snarls when she sees his hand start to creep under the blanket. "Olivia, wake _up_!" she pleads in desperation, trying to push the man away from the other woman.

"Yeah, that's it, fight me bitch," he sneers, grabbing onto her arms and shoving her violently down onto the chair.

"No, god, no! Please leave me alone! Leave me ALONE!" Amanda screams. "Olivia, HELP ME!"

The man laughs, leaning right down into the face so they are eye to eye and nose to nose. "Wake up, Amanda Rollins."

Amanda's eyes fly open and she is shaking uncontrollably in the bed, covered in sweat and breathing hard. Olivia is beside her, grasping tightly onto her shoulders, telling her over and over to wake up, and Frannie lets out an anxious bark from her spot on the mattress.

"Are you alright?" Olivia asks, her voice shaking slightly and her grip still tight around Amanda's shoulders.

"Yeah," she gasps, trying to catch her breath. "Sorry. I was just having a bad dream." Frannie is trying to climb into her lap and lick her face, and Amanda gently pushes her away.

"What was it about?"

"The man. Eric," she hastily corrects. "He was in here. He found me, and then..." She trails off for a moment. "He was trying to get to you. He was going to hurt you."

Olivia's eyes are glittering in the spill of light from the hallway into the dark bedroom. "He's not here, sweetheart. He is never getting in here. He won't hurt me and he will never lay a finger on you again."

Amanda nods, still feeling shaken up, and they are quiet for a moment; the only sound in the room is Frannie, who is rocking back and forth on the bed and whining, apparently unhappy that the attention is not focused on her.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Olivia whispers, and Amanda gives her an uncertain nod, her heart still fluttering with the intensity of the dream.

Olivia puts a hand on her knee. "Amanda, about Patton..."

"Liv, I don't think I can handle talking about that right now," Amanda mutters. "I'm too tired. Everything has just been too much."

"Okay," Olivia says gently. "But we need to talk about it soon. Amanda, I know you're exhausted, but can we talk about Eric some more? You've given me a lot of details, but there's still more we need and I want to make sure I have everything right. We have a little more to go on now, and maybe we can find him."

Amanda hesitates, and Olivia grips her hand hard.

"Honey, these nightmares are just going to keep happening, until we find him. You're letting him torture you. Help us stop all of this."

Amanda looks at her and nods slowly. "Okay. Let's go over it again."

xxxxxxxxxx

They spend dinner time hunched over the table, eating chicken and mashed potatoes and salad, going over every single detail that Amanda can recall from her time with Eric. She finds herself agreeing to sit down with a sketch artist, agreeing to hand over her phone for analysis. When they are done eating, they sit in the living room, still going over and over everything so Olivia can take accurate notes and pass on all the information to Fin and Carisi.

When they are finally done, Amanda is exhausted in every sense of the word, and retires to her bedroom for the night with Frannie in tow, even though it looks like Olivia still wants to talk. She is not in the mood to assuage the other woman's apparent guilt and regret, and her feelings on the subject are swinging so wildly back and forth that she feels she is not capable of a coherent conversation right now; at least not when it comes to Patton.

Hours later, Amanda is still laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the rain pounding harshly against the window. Her thoughts are in complete turmoil and she has mixed feeling about falling asleep, craving blissful oblivion but not wanting the monsters of her past and present to haunt her dreams.

A soft noise sounds out in the hallway, and the hair is suddenly standing up on the back of her neck. She sits bolt upright in bed, Frannie sitting up beside her, and cocks her head, listening hard. It is difficult to hear anything over the intensity of the rain lashing the windows, but then the noise sounds again and her heart is in her throat.

Amanda goes to reach for her gun, but then remembers that it is safely stored away with Olivia's until she is allowed to use it again. She swings her legs over the side of the bed and gets shakily to her feet, swaying for a moment before balancing properly.

"Come on, girl," she whispers nervously to Frannie, who is sitting up eagerly on the bed, tail wagging in anticipation.

She creeps out into the dark, shadowy hallway, the dog prancing excitedly beside her as if they are going on an adventure. The noise is louder now, a banging sound, and seems to be coming from the direction of the kitchen. She glances briefly at Olivia's closed door, not wanting to bother her boss for something that is likely a trivial matter.

Her heart is pounding as she makes her way slowly down the hallway and then stops suddenly, breathing a sigh of relief. The window in the kitchen has been left open, and the blinds are banging against the sill from the force of the rain and wind blowing inside. She reaches over to close it, mentally rolling her eyes at herself, feeling like a jumpy, frightened little girl.

Sleep still seems like a long way off, so she wanders over to the balcony door to watch the sheets of rain falling from the sky. Frannie snuffles anxiously at the closed door, apparently wanting out, so Amanda opens it and they step outside onto the balcony together.

She leans against the railing, gazing down at the wet city streets, taking in a deep breath of the cool, damp air, and closes her eyes for a moment, trying to center herself, trying to feel calm enough to settle down for the night. When she opens them again, someone is standing under a streetlight on the other side of the road.

Amanda squints hard, trying to see through the driving rain and her half-closed eyelid, but can't get a clear picture. The person has the build of someone male, and he is standing there stock still, and seems to be looking up at her.

Her heart rate begins to pick up again as she stares down at this person, the rain falling like a curtain around the streetlight. He still doesn't move and she finds herself rooted to the spot once more, just like in her dream, her gaze fixed intently upon him. His image shimmers and shifts in the vision of her injured eye and she tilts her head to the side, but still can't get a clear view.

Frannie suddenly knocks over a flower pot in the corner and Amanda jumps, startled, whirling around to gently chastise the dog. When she looks down again, the man is gone and the spot under the streetlight is empty. She slowly backs away from the railing, an uneasy feeling churning in her gut, and ushers Frannie back inside.

Amanda stands there for a moment, her hands clammy and her brow sweaty, trembling from head to toe, and finds herself looking at the door, half expecting it to swing open with the man framed in the doorway. She makes sure the door is locked before treading back down the hallway to her room. She stops in front of Olivia's closed bedroom door and stands there with her hand raised to knock. She is feeling entirely ill at ease now, like she can't distinguish between reality and the monsters in her head. The person out on the sidewalk is probably just some random guy out for a late-night stroll in the rain, but she can't shake the trepidation that has enveloped her and is clinging like a second skin.

Amanda starts to knock on Olivia's door, feeling very foolish, but then stops and cocks her head to listen intently. There is a soft noise coming from the other woman's bedroom, and it sounds like she is crying.

Amanda's brows are knitted deeply together and she gently pushes the door open, creeping inside with Frannie at her heels. "Liv?" she whispers, frowning in concern at the huddled form of her boss under the covers.

Olivia is lying on her side, facing toward her, and her hands are tucked up under her chin. She appears to be sleeping, but there are tears leaking out from beneath her closed eyelids and she doesn't answer when Amanda whispers her name again.

Amanda's heart aches, feeling a wave of sadness overcome her, and she slides down onto the floor next to the bed, eager to be near Olivia but not wanting to wake her up. She raises a shaky hand to the older woman's head, gently stroking through her hair for a moment before lowering her arm.

Frannie snuggles up beside her on the floor and Amanda leans her head against the side of the mattress, closing her eyes. Sleep comes quickly this time.


	8. Chapter 8

"Liv?"

"Hmm?"

"Liv?"

"Hmmm." Olivia rolls over in bed, burying her face in the pillow.

 _"Olivia."_

"Huh? What?" Olivia jerks her head up off the pillow and looks around, trying to get her bearings. A weak light is filtering through the curtains in her bedroom, and it sounds like the weather is still as bad as it was the night before.

"Why is it raining on my face?" a voice grumbles from the direction of the floor.

"What?" she says again, raising herself up on one elbow to peer over the edge of the bed. She frowns when she sees Amanda sprawled uncomfortably across the floor, Frannie tucked up against her side. When the dog notices Olivia looking down at them, her tail thumps against the carpet in greeting.

"What are you doing down there?" Olivia asks, torn between amusement and concern as she watches the water drip steadily down onto Amanda's forehead from above.

"You didn't answer my question," Amanda replies grumpily. "Why is it raining on my face?"

Olivia smothers a laugh and sits up in the bed, crossing her legs. "It does that every time it rains. There's a leak in the ceiling somewhere."

"Well, perhaps you should consider getting it fixed," Amanda responds bluntly, flicking the water off her face with an irritated gesture.

Olivia looks down at her with a raised eyebrow. "I've been kind of busy lately, Amanda."

She watches a blush creep up the other woman's neck, and Amanda rolls over to bury her face against Frannie's side. "Why are you lying down there?" she asks again.

There is no response from the small detective and Olivia leans over the side of the bed, very gently resting her hand on the blonde woman's back. "Amanda. Answer me, please."

Amanda turns over to look at her, expression sheepish against the black and blue of her face. "Because," she murmurs.

 _"'Because'?"_ Olivia mimics, both eyebrows raised now. "Well, there's a mature answer."

Amanda snorts and sits up on the carpet with a half smile on her face, rubbing her eyes.

"Come up here," Olivia says gently, patting the bed beside her.

Before Amanda has even begun to try and struggle to her feet, Frannie has taken it upon herself to leap enthusiastically onto the bed, rolling around in excitement and then coming to a halt on her back with all four legs sticking straight up into the air.

"I've noticed this dog of yours is a tad needy," Olivia chuckles, giving Frannie a belly rub as Amanda get shyly onto the bed next to her.

Amanda rolls her eyes and looks fondly down at her pet. "Yeah, she's a bit of an attention whore."

They sit there quietly for a minute, each taking turns rubbing Frannie's head until she calms down a bit and lays there placidly between them. It suddenly strikes Olivia how domestic this little scene between them seems, and she is glad Amanda is here with her; that she seems comfortable being this close to her after all of the upheaval and disturbing revelations of the day before.

She glances at the smaller woman out of the corner of her eye, her head hanging down and long hair obscuring her face as she picks at a thread on the bedspread. Olivia feels the need to clear the air between them, but doesn't quite know how to begin. When Amanda had finally confessed why she had been letting Eric hurt her, that she had deserved to be punished because of what had happened with Patton and Reese Taymor, she had been stunned; not having any idea that her detective had been carrying around so much guilt and pain for such a long time.

But Olivia had felt her heart break when Amanda had revealed how alone she had been after Patton had come to New York, the situation with Reese, and everything that had happened to her back in Atlanta becoming public knowledge. She had known that something had happened to Amanda in her old precinct, but the other woman had been very vague on the details and had only ever brought it up once, a very long time ago. But after all the details had come out the year before, the other woman had pushed everyone away, hadn't wanted anything to do with therapy, hadn't wanted to talk about it. She had tried to respect that; and as life has a way of doing, had gotten caught up in her own personal issues and work, and things had returned to normal.

When Olivia thinks back to how everything had played out, she wishes that she had tried harder to help Amanda, had tried to push through the other woman's usual tough exterior. Olivia knows what it is like to live with such intense pain and sadness and shame, and it kills her to think that Amanda went through everything alone, that she hadn't just pushed a little harder to get through to her. If she had, maybe everything would be different now. Maybe Amanda wouldn't have gone down such a bad road and wouldn't be in the awful position that she is in now as she experiences so much agony and suffering.

Olivia had been so upset going to bed that she had broken down in tears as soon as she was safely alone in her bedroom, and hadn't been able to stop crying for a long time. It had been replaying over and over in her mind, Amanda telling her that it wouldn't have mattered if she had confessed what had been going on with Eric because it wouldn't have made a difference; that Olivia wouldn't have cared.

Even thinking about it now brings a fresh wave of guilt and shame and regret, knowing that she should have tried harder with her detective; should have tried to stop butting heads with her constantly, tried to reign in her usual impatience and see the pain she had been carrying underneath. She should have seen that Amanda's behavior had been a cry for help, a defense mechanism. She feels at a loss on how to proceed, how to fix things between them, but she knows that she needs to at least try.

"Amanda, why did you come in here?" Olivia asks softly. "Did you sleep on the floor last night?"

Amanda nods, stroking her finger over one of Frannie's ears, not looking at her.

"Did you have another nightmare?"

The smaller woman shakes her head and glances at Olivia, appearing slightly ashamed. "I couldn't sleep. I keep getting scared by stupid things, I keep thinking he's going to come in here. I just didn't want to be alone."

Olivia's heart clenches with the realization that her detective has been alone for far too long now; has been much more alone that she had previously realized. "Honey, you could have woken me up," she says gently. "You could have slept in the bed. You didn't have to lay on the floor all night, especially with your injuries. I don't think you did your concussion any favors."

Amanda shrugs. "I didn't want to disturb you. I slept okay. No nightmares last night."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," Olivia says with a small smile. "Even though I'm not happy that you spent the night down on the floor." Although it's now morning, the room is very dim and shadowy because of the rain, and she leans over to gently brush some hair away from Amanda's face so she can see her properly. "Do you have a lot of nightmares?" she asks quietly.

Amanda doesn't answer for a moment, her attention still focused on Frannie, but then she nods. "Almost every night. They all mix in together; Eric, Patton, Reese. I can't get their faces out of my head."

"Oh honey. I'm sorry," Olivia murmurs.

"Sometimes they're so vivid and real, they make me sick," Amanda whispers. "I can't stop throwing up and I can't get myself under control. I can't make myself stop crying." She gives Olivia an apologetic glance. "That's why I'm late for work sometimes. I'm sorry, Liv."

Olivia is at a loss for words and she closes her eyes for a moment. "Amanda, I'm so sorry for the way things have been between us at the precinct. I know it always seems to be awkward and strained, and that is partly on me. I had no idea you were going through all of this."

"You had no idea because you never ask," Amanda says, her voice so low that Olivia has to lean closer to hear her.

"I'm sorry," Olivia says again, a tight feeling in her chest. "Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in my work and other things, that I don't notice what's going on right under my own nose. But sometimes it's difficult, Amanda. I _have_ asked you things before and tried to see if you were okay, but it was obvious that you didn't want to talk about anything. I know you're a very private person, like I am. I should have tried harder, though. It can be tough because I need to make sure I don't overstep my boundaries. Sometimes I just have to back off."

Amanda looks over at her, and Olivia is stunned at the hurt and pain in her expression. "I just wanted things to be different between us," she whispers. "I wanted you to notice me, to realize that we're so much more alike than you think. I thought we could help each other, I thought we could confide in each other. I thought maybe there was someone in my life who would finally understand me. I know you were assaulted on the job before I came to New York, and I saw what you went through with Lewis. I feel like we were going through the same things. I just thought...I just wished-" She hesitates and sighs. "I just wanted it to be different."

Olivia has to swallow around the sudden lump in her throat. "Amanda," she whispers, but finds herself at a loss for words again and stops talking. She hasn't had a clue that the smaller woman has been feeling this way.

Frannie gets to her feet and pads to the edge of the bed, leaping to the floor without warning and snuffling around eagerly at a pile of Olivia's folded laundry sitting stacked in the corner. There is no barrier between them on the bed now and Olivia shifts closer to the smaller woman, feeling heartbroken as an odd sort of emptiness fills her, and she blinks back the tears that are threatening to fall. She feels like she is suddenly seeing Amanda for the first time.

Amanda is sitting there, hunched over on top of the covers, her legs folded up tightly to her body and her arms wrapped around her shins, her gaze fixed on the bedspread. "I know you're my boss and maybe it's inappropriate, but I wanted us to be friends, I wanted us to be close," she admits softly. "I've admired you for so long. I wanted you to see me the way I see you, strong and capable. I'm always so alone. I know I push people away. I try not to, but it always happens. I'm no good at asking for help. Everything I do, no matter how good my intentions are, always seem to get screwed up. Sometimes it's easier just to stay nothing, to pretend that everything is fine." She shrugs, her head still down, sounding sad and defeated. "I just wanted you to see me. I needed someone and I wanted it to be you."

Olivia tries her best to stop it but she can't. She feels her face crumple and the tears well up and spill down her cheeks. She covers her face with her hands to muffle a sob, and hears a surprised gasp emit from Amanda's mouth.

"Oh, god, Liv, I'm so sorry," the other woman says, sounding stricken. "I shouldn't be saying all of this to you. I have no right to talk to you like this, it's so disrespectful. Blame it on the head injury. Or just blame it on me. I should just keep my mouth shut."

Olivia hears a catch in the other woman's voice and feels the bed shift as Amanda starts to slide off the edge. "Don't go, Amanda," she pleads, and before she knows what she's doing, she grabs the small woman gently from behind, pulling her further onto the bed so Amanda's back is resting against her chest. The other woman doesn't struggle to get away but just sits there instead, her hands gripping the arms that Olivia has wrapped around her waist, seemingly hungry for comfort.

"I'm sorry things got off on the wrong foot between us all those years ago," Olivia says softly. "Elliot had just left, you and Amaro had just transferred in. Things were crazy and I was heartbroken that my partner was gone so suddenly. Everything just seemed to be going from bad to worse at that time and I think I took my frustrations out on you, more than anyone else. There was something in you that reminded me of myself, and I didn't like it."

She remembers when Amanda had joined the unit several years back, the young woman's eagerness to please, to learn, but also that independent, somewhat reckless streak that would often get her into trouble, that hard shell that she used to protect what was underneath. Amanda had long ago alluded to something that had happened back in Atlanta, something of an inappropriate nature between her and a colleague, but Olivia had brushed it off as it had brought back memories of similar situations she had been through herself many times on the job; and then later on, when everything with Lewis had happened, it had been so traumatic, so life-changing, that she had just shut everyone out even more, not wanting to bond or share and desperate to just put it behind her and forget.

As the years had gone by, Amanda's erratic, occasionally dangerous behavior just put Olivia off more and more until she had gotten to the point where she didn't know how to handle the other woman; didn't know what was going on with her, didn't know whether to confront her or cut her loose. But there was something about Amanda that had made her hold on and keep trying, gritting her teeth through her anger and impatience. As more and more has come to light over the past few days, a new understanding of her colleague has started to take root, and the special brand of chaos that is Amanda Rollins has begun to take on a different meaning.

"Amanda, if I could go back and change things between us, especially in the aftermath of everything with Patton, I _would_ ," Olivia whispers vehemently. "You're right, we could have helped each other, we could have tried to understand each other more, especially since we have been through some similar trauma. We were both so alone, but it didn't have to be that way. I'm so sorry I didn't try harder, I'm so sorry I pushed you away."

Amanda shrugs, her head bowed, and Olivia can feel her trembling slightly as she holds onto her. "I know I'm in a pain in the ass," the smaller woman says, her voice low. "I know I give off mixed signals sometimes and I can be heard to read. I know I'm not the ideal employee and it's not easy to get used to me. Sometimes I think I don't belong with you guys, on this squad. I'm just too screwed up."

Olivia chuckles lightly. "Amanda, if I'm not used to you by now, I never will be. You belong with us, with Fin and Carisi and I, in this unit. You may be a pain in the ass, but you're _our pain in the ass."_

Olivia can feel Amanda's sudden laughter rumble through her thin body. "Um, thanks, Liv...I think."

They sit there quietly for a few minutes, still holding onto each other, listening to the rain outside and watching Frannie nose through Olivia's laundry, knocking the piles to the floor and then sitting down on top of the clothes and wagging her tail when she notices them observing her.

Neither of them has made a move to get up, and Olivia doesn't want to; is enjoying this new-found closeness with her detective. The fact that they are boss and subordinate and are sitting there snuggled up on her bed in what could be deemed an inappropriate, compromising position crosses her mind, and she knows that she needs to be careful but feels an intense need for comfort right now, and knows Amanda needs it too. She has felt a blurring of the lines between them over the past few days, especially in the hospital and when Amanda had fallen in the shower; a closeness and intimacy that was never present before. The topic of boundaries had just been brought up in their discussion of Patton, but Olivia is aware that there have been some mixed feelings whirling around in her brain lately, some confusion; the impatience she usually feels warring with something else. She has never known anyone who can get under her skin, in more ways than one, than Amanda Rollins; has never wanted to both throttle and hug someone at the exact same time. But Olivia has never been able to get a handle on this woman right from day one; she has always been different.

"I heard you crying last night, Liv," Amanda finally says softly. "That's actually the main reason I came in here. I know you were upset after what I said about Patton, but I just couldn't talk about it yesterday. Everything has just been so overwhelming, and it was too much." Olivia feels Amanda clutch her hands briefly before letting go. "I'm sorry you were crying in here alone."

Olivia feels her heart melt and she hugs the smaller woman closer to her. "Thank you for coming in to check on me," she replies, a smile quirking her lips when she thinks of Amanda wanting to make sure she was okay, wanting to be there for her despite all the pain she was in, despite the intense anger and disappointment she had felt for Olivia.

They continue to sit there with each other until the peaceful silence is broken by Olivia's ringing cell phone. She reluctantly reaches for it, knowing they need to get on with the day, that there are things to do now that Amanda has finally revealed everything that had happened with Eric.

She had talked to both Fin and Carisi the day before, and filled them in on everything that Amanda had told her. The ball is rolling on the case now and although they still don't have as much to go on as she would like, at this point she feels more confident about the possibility of a capture and for some peace of mind for her detective.

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Later that day, Olivia paces in her bedroom, talking on the phone while Amanda sits on the couch in the living room, restless and anxious, Frannie on the floor by her feet. Things are moving now; a sketch artist had come to the apartment to see Amanda, her phone had been taken in for analysis, Fin and Carisi had gone to the motel to look at the room and speak to the employees, even though the incident had taken place a few days ago, and they had gone back to the support group again. Olivia had called in some favors to get things moving forward because it was a Sunday.

By the time they are nearing the dinner hour, Olivia is feeling better about things, satisfied that she has finally been able to do something to help Amanda and that they now at least have a chance of finding Eric and arresting him.

Amanda, on the other hand, has only seemed to have grown more agitated throughout the day and Olivia's concern for her has been rising bit by bit. The smaller woman has been pacing around like a caged animal most of the day, and there is not much Olivia can do for her because of the list of things that Amanda must avoid due to her head injury. Finally she had set her up on the couch with some pillows and a blanket and put on an old classical music CD at a low volume, to try to calm her frayed nerves.

Olivia had expected some relief from Amanda as she had finally seemed amendable to sharing things, to catching Eric, to wanting peace. And the conversation in Olivia's bedroom that morning had been cathartic for them both, a new resolve to move forward with each other in a different way with more respect and understanding of the other. She herself is feeling better about the situation as a whole, but Amanda has been jumpy and unsettled, and Olivia has noticed her looking around nervously from time to time, like she is expecting someone else to be in the room with them; has observed her going out to the balcony multiple times to peer anxiously out at the city beyond, although Amanda keeps claiming she just needs some fresh air.

Olivia is finding it hard to differentiate between the behavior of a person suffering from a concussion and a person dealing with after-effects of a traumatic event, and that is not even taking into account Amanda's normal erratic personality. She feels like they are all merging together to create the trembling mess of a woman who has taken up residence on her couch.

She is in her bedroom, talking on the phone with Fin, when Frannie suddenly lets out a frantic bark from the living room. Olivia quickly ends the conversation and rushes down the hallway to see Amanda sitting straight up on the couch, her head bowed and her hands clutching her chest.

She looks up at Olivia, her expression absolutely panic-stricken. "Liv, I think I'm having a heart attack," she gasps.

"You're not," Olivia replies calmly, sitting down on the couch beside her and turning the music down to an even lower volume. "I think you're just having a panic attack, honey."

"No," Amanda says resolutely, shaking her head and looking like she is having trouble drawing a deep breath. "I don't get panic attacks. I've never had one in my life."

"Well, look at everything that has happened over the past few days," Olivia says gently. "It's understandable that you would have one. Just try to breathe slowly." She rubs her hand over the other woman's back, feeling how fast her heart is racing.

She can hear how hard Amanda is working to breathe and it makes her heart ache. "Honey, you've been so agitated all day. We're doing everything we can here; we have so much more to go on now. We'll catch him soon. But until then, you're safe here, I promise. I don't think you believe me, though."

"But he knows my name, Liv. How does he know?" Amanda is taking easier breaths now but still sounds very upset, twisting her hands together on her lap.

"I don't know, honey," Olivia replies gently, reaching over to stop the other woman's anxious movements. "We'll figure it out, though. It could be something very simple. And it's easier than ever to find out personal information these days."

Amanda sits forward and scrubs her hands over her face. "God, this is a nightmare."

"I know," Olivia says softly. "I know this is hard, especially the waiting part. We'll get you through this, Amanda. You're not alone anymore."

Amanda is still sitting forward with her hands covering her face, and Olivia sits up beside her. "Are you feeling any better?"

There is no answer and she can see the other woman's shoulders shaking. "Amanda. It's okay." She gently grasps the detective's arms, turning her around and pulling her into a hug. She can feel the small woman trembling against her, can hear her sniffing back tears, and she tightens her arms around the small figure "It's okay, I'm here, I'm here."

"I'm so scared," Amanda mumbles into her shoulder. "Why can't I stop being so scared?"

Olivia doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to ease the other woman's pain, so she just hugs her as tightly as she can, feeling Amanda melt into her embrace. They remain in that position for a few minutes, Olivia gently rocking her back and forth.

"Are you okay?" she starts to ask when they slowly begin to pull away from each other, but then Amanda's lips are suddenly pressed against her own.

She is stunned but finds herself responding for a second, before pushing the smaller woman away from her as gently as she can. "Amanda-"

The blonde detective jumps to her feet, startling Frannie on the floor, who gives a short yelp. "Oh my god, Liv, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't believe I did that."

"Amanda, just sit back down for a minute," Olivia says, reaching out to touch her arm, her thoughts whirling.

Amanda sidesteps away from her to pace in front of the couch, her face awash in tears. "I don't know why I did that. You take me into your home, you take care of me, and this is how I repay you?"

She seems utterly distraught, her face flaming with embarrassment, and Olivia stands up beside her. "Calm down, let's just talk about this-"

"No, I don't want to talk about it! I can't believe I did that. Especially when I look like this. I'm so disgusting, I hate myself. Why do I always fuck everything up? This always happens."

"Okay, Amanda, just slow down-"

"Please don't fire me," Amanda suddenly pleads, turning toward her in desperation with tears sliding down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm not going to fire you," Olivia answers, feeling extremely overwhelmed, as this has gotten out of control so fast.

"I'm just a stupid slut."

 _"Amanda."_ Olivia is concerned now, and she puts her hand firmly on the other woman's shoulder to try to get her to sit back down on the couch. "Just talk to me for a minute."

"No," Amanda says, shifting away from her as a sob tears from her throat. "I need to get out of here. Can you please text Fin to come and pick me up, since I'm not even allowed to use the damn phone? I can stay with him."

"That's really not necessary-" Olivia starts to object, beginning to feel upset herself.

"Yes, it is," Amanda insists. "Please text him. _Please,_ Liv." She looks at Olivia intently, and their gazes burn into one another for a moment.

"Okay," Olivia agrees softly, and she has to turn away so the other woman won't see her blinking back tears. Her thoughts are in turmoil as she walks away down the hall, picking her phone up off the bed and typing in a quick text to Fin.

He calls back right away, wanting to know what is wrong, and she fills him in with as little detail as possible, just telling him that Amanda would prefer to stay at his place. He agrees to come over right away, still sounding perplexed, and they hang up.

Amanda is in her room, packing her things with Frannie by her side, and Olivia stands in the doorway with her arms crossed, wondering how everything has spiraled out of control so quickly. "Amanda, you're making too big a deal out of this. We can talk about it. I know with your head injury-"

"It's always about the concussion," Amanda mutters, and Olivia frowns.

"Well, tell me what it's about then. Your behavior is all over the damn place, Amanda. I don't know what's going on. I can't keep up with you. You've suffered a severe trauma-"

"I don't want to talk about my trauma, Liv," Amanda whispers, turning around with her arms full of personal belongings, tears still falling from her eyes. "I just want to leave."

Olivia stares at her for a moment, so many thoughts and emotions running through her mind that she can't think straight. "Okay," she finally says. "Fin will be here soon."

"Good," Amanda whispers. "Thank you."

Olivia walks back out to the living room and slumps onto the couch with her head braced in her hands, wondering what the hell has just happened.


	9. Chapter 9

Fin's car screeches to a stop against the curb and Amanda watches as he gets out of the driver's seat, trying to shield himself from the pouring rain. She and Frannie are out on the sidewalk right near the edge of the road, huddled underneath an umbrella that Olivia has given them. Olivia herself is inside in the lobby and Amanda knows she is watching intently from the window, having insisted on walking her out to the street. After an awkward, silent elevator ride downstairs, Amanda had been adamant about going out to meet Fin alone, and Olivia had eventually agreed, although it looked like it had taken every ounce of will power she had not to argue.

Fin is eyeballing Amanda as he helps her loads up her things into the trunk and get her situated into the passenger seat, Frannie hopping into the back. She stares out the window at the driving rain, the weather matching her mood and her thoughts in complete turmoil. She just wants to be safely ensconced in her own apartment, just her and the dog, with nothing more complicated to think about than what to have for dinner that night.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on or do I have to guess?" Fin finally asks, after they have been driving for several minutes in complete silence.

"I just needed a change of scenery," Amanda murmurs, her gaze still fixed out the window.

"Uh huh," Fin replies, his voice deadpan. "So you're getting bored, then? Decided to play musical apartments with your squad mates, just to keep things interesting? You gonna make a stop at Carisi's next?"

Amanda blows out a breath. "Fin, just stop, okay?"

"I just don't understand it," Fin continues. "You had a good set up at Liv's; I know it was a bit of a rough start but you seemed to be settling in and things have finally been moving forward with the case. And Liv has rearranged everything at work to take some time off to stay with you. It hasn't exactly been a picnic for her, Amanda."

"Fin, if you don't want me to stay with you-"

"You know you're always welcome at my place, sweetheart," he says, his tone softening somewhat. "It's just going to be a little more cramped than it was at Liv's. The spare bedroom is a disaster, so you're going to have to take my room for now. I'll sleep out on the couch."

Amanda can feel his gaze fixed on her as he drives, and she wants to tell him to keep his eyes on the road. She sighs, feeling like she is putting him out and once again making other people rearrange their lives because she can't control her own actions.

"I just want to understand what's going on," he persists. "I talked to Liv right before she texted me, and she didn't mention anything about any kind of falling out or whatever it was that happened. She just said you were chilling out on the couch, listening to some music. So what changed?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now," Amanda mumbles, her face burning with embarrassment at the thought of what had just occurred in her superior's apartment. She hadn't intended for it to happen; it had just kind of happened in the heat of the moment while feeling emotionally overwhelmed and in desperate need of comfort. She has been feeling closer and more connected to Olivia lately, and she honestly doesn't know what her feelings are; is too exhausted and in too much pain to look any deeper, so she wills her mind to stay blank and not to go any further down that road.

"Okay, we don't have to talk about that right now," Fin agrees. "But can we talk about how this whole car smells like wet dog? It reeks in here. Frannie, you stink!"

Amanda chuckles in spite of herself and turns around to look at her soaking wet dog sprawled across the backseat, tongue lolling out of her mouth and looking very relaxed. "Sorry, Fin," she mutters. "I'll get her dried off when we get your place."

It takes awhile to get settled in at Fin's apartment. Her hasty, abrupt exit from Olivia's place has caused quite a bit of hassle, and she sits on the couch in the living room as he cleans his bedroom up and puts fresh sheets on the bed, and then quickly tidies up the rest of the apartment, which had been looking a little worse for wear when she had first come inside.

There are other issues that have cropped up since leaving Olivia's; her boss is supposed to take Amanda to her doctor's appointment in the morning, a follow-up from her stay in the hospital to see how her injuries are healing and how she is managing, and to possibly let her have a little more free reign when it comes to doing any activities that tax her brain. Amanda has also been given the opportunity to speak with a rape crisis counselor, which she has steadfastly refused.

Now Fin is making arrangements to take her to the appointment instead and is trying to take a day or two off to spend with her, and it looks like Olivia is heading back to work. What is going to happen over the next week or two; if Amanda will remain at Fin's or if she will be able to return to her apartment on her own, is up in the air for now.

Once Fin's bedroom is set up for her, she spends the remainder of the evening huddled on his bed with Frannie, trying to stay out of his way while he goes about his business, feeling like an incredible nuisance and a bit like an intruder. Fin brings dinner and tries to encourage her to come out into the living room and engage with him in some way, telling Amanda he can bore her with stories of the old days working at the Special Victims Unit, but she stays where she is, curled up under the covers and convincing him that she wants to have an early night.

Amanda is frustrated when hours have gone by and she still can't seem to settle down. She doesn't want to feel like a zombie for her appointment in the morning and it would be nice to drift off to sleep for a little while, even with the threat of Eric and Patton lurking in her dreams. She needs to keep her mind off of Olivia, and her chaotic, turbulent thoughts when she thinks of the other woman.

She is beyond mortified by what had occurred in her boss' apartment earlier, and doesn't know how she will ever look the other woman in the eye again. Amanda hadn't meant to do that; hadn't meant to cling so tightly, to be so needy, but she has found herself becoming more and more attached to Olivia, has come to a better understanding of her after their long talk this morning and feels closer to her than she ever has before. It feels like something subtle has been shifting between them lately, but then she had taken it upon herself to ruin things once again, just as everything was finally getting better for the two of them.

Between the constant pain she is in, Eric still running loose, and now this thing with her boss, Amanda feels like she is heading for a swift breakdown. She needs everything to stop, needs a rest, needs some peace. She feels like she is on roller coaster ride that she never wanted to be on in the first place, a ride that is never going to end.

She thinks of how upset Olivia had been while she was leaving her apartment, and it breaks her heart. Watching the older woman break down in tears earlier that day had been a surprising and eye-opening experience, and Amanda has come to see her in a new light, realizing everything she had previously thought about the other woman might not have been true after all; that Olivia actually does care. She has certainly proven that time and again over the last few days, and Amanda feels terrible for putting her through all this; her crazy emotional ups and downs, and for not having the courage to stay and talk it out when she had taken it a step too far.

For a moment she thinks about that ill-conceived kiss; how Olivia had responded for a second before pulling away from her, but then she shakes her head and covers her eyes, willing her mind to stay blank for the night.

It takes a long time for sleep to come.

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Amanda is exhausted and irritable in the morning, having gotten very little rest the night before and waking up quite late. She and Fin bump into each other as they rush around, getting ready for her appointment, and she can hear snippets of a conversation he is having on the phone with Olivia. They are talking about her, of course, and it only serves to darken her already bleak mood, wishing every single conversation didn't have to revolve around her and her issues.

The ride to the hospital and the ensuing wait in the crowded waiting room isn't very pleasant, as Fin seems to be in bad mood as well, and they occasionally snap back and forth at each other in between long silences and Fin's text conversations with Olivia and Carisi.

It has finally stopped raining and the sun is beginning to poke out from behind the clouds. Fin has misplaced his sunglasses, and he grumbles and squints while he drives and continues to complain even when they are indoors, and Amanda resists the urge to roll her eyes, knowing her situation is close to making everyone snap.

Amanda's patience feels very thin and she grits her teeth through the physical examinations and endless questions, once she is called into an exam room. She does her best to remain subdued and polite, wanting them to think that she is doing better than she actually is, and will send her home to her own place.

When she is done and in the car with Fin again, she feels moderately satisfied with how things have gone. She is now allowed to start doing things that involve more cognitive function and can talk on the phone, watch TV, and read, for fifteen to twenty minute increments, as long as she takes substantial breaks in between. It isn't a lot, but she is relieved that she will now have something to break up the long days. She is not allowed to return home just yet, but might be able to by the end of the week, and she holds onto that hope, that her life might soon be her own again.

Fin wants to know if she is feeling well enough to make a quick stop to pick up a disposable cell phone for her to use, until her regular one is returned to her. He explains that he doesn't feel comfortable with Amanda not having a way to communicate at all times, and Amanda replies that she would feel more comfortable having a gun instead. He gives her a sympathetic look and reaches over to squeeze her hand, the frosty mood between them quickly evaporating.

By the time they are back in the car, idling by the curb as Fin programs his number and Olivia's and Carisi's into her new phone, she is teasing him about his missing sunglasses, saying he looks naked and uncool without them, and they banter back and forth for a few minutes, Amanda finding it a relief to just relax and laugh.

"Okay, so I've entered in all the numbers you might need," Fin says, as they pull out into traffic. "Including some pizza joints near my place, if my cooking isn't up to your standards."

"Thanks, Fin," Amanda replies, scrolling through the new phone and smiling at him, then jumping as it suddenly rings in her hand.

"Well, aren't you the popular one?" Fin quips with a raised eyebrow, honking at a cab driver who is trying to cut them off.

Amanda looks down at the phone, and her heart seems to simultaneously sink and leap as she sees the name Olivia Benson light up on the display screen. She glances over at Fin, who seems preoccupied with showing the cab driver his middle finger, and hesitantly answers it.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Olivia's voice sounds as quiet and hesitant as her own, and Amanda can feel her face flood with warmth. She suddenly finds herself wishing they were together in the same room so they can talk, but knows she will have to settle for this awkward conversation in the car with Fin right beside her.

"How's it going?" Olivia continues. "How was your appointment?"

"It was good," Amanda replies. "I'm allowed to start doing some things again, and the doctor says I might even be able to go home by the end of the week."

There is silence for a moment. "Amanda, why don't you come back to my place until you're allowed to go home? I can have Fin drop you off and I can come home from the precinct. It doesn't have to be this way."

"Um, Liv, this isn't really a good time to talk about this," Amanda murmurs, turning away from Fin who is looking at her curiously now. "I'm really sorry for what happened."

"I'm not upset with you, honey," Olivia says softly. "I just think we need to sit down and talk about this. I know things were crazy yesterday and there has been a lot to deal with. But it was just a kiss; it's not the end of the world."

Amanda hears a stifled noise of surprise from beside her and closes her eyes, knowing Fin has heard.

"Um, Liv, this _really_ isn't a good time. Is it okay if I call you a little later?"

"Sure," Olivia answers, and Amanda can hear the sigh in her voice. "Call whenever you want. And if you change your mind about coming back to my place, my door is always open." There is a short chuckle from the other end of the phone. "I know you weren't there long, but I think I got used to having you and Frannie around. It's way too quiet there now."

Amanda swallows hard, a sudden lump in her throat. "I'll call you later, Liv," she whispers, and then hangs up.

"Oh, girl." Fin is starting at her in disbelief and shaking his head. "What the hell did you do?"

Amanda scrubs her hands over her face in frustration and leans her head back against the seat. "I screwed up, okay? I did something stupid."

"Uhhh, _yeah_ ," Fin says, both eyebrows raised as he looks at her. "What's going on, Amanda? Has the knock to your head taken away all common sense or is there something else happening here?"

Amanda is silent as she stares down at her lap, the urge to burst into tears suddenly seeming like a good option, and she squeezes her eyes shut.

"Amanda," Fin says gently, putting a hand on her arm. "What's going on? Do you have feelings for Liv?"

"No," she replies quickly and then sighs, gazing out the window. "I don't know, Fin, okay? I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Can we just be quiet now? I don't want to talk."

"Okay," he says softly. "But if you change your mind, I'm here for you."

Amanda gives him a brief smile, and then directs her gaze back out the window with a sigh. She watches the buildings and people go by and then feels a slight clenching in her stomach as she recognizes the area they are entering. The motel she and Eric have shared many a degrading night in is just a couple of blocks away.

"Shit," Fin suddenly mutters, and Amanda looks over at him.

"What's wrong?"

"I just remembered where I left my sunglasses." He glances at her, his expression one of concern. "I left them at the motel, when Carisi and I were interviewing people there yesterday."

"It's fine," Amanda assures him lightly, trying to ignore the sick feeling that has overtaken her. "Just stop in and get them."

"I don't want to bring you back there," Fin says quietly, his tone apologetic. "I'm going to drop you off at my place and then come back and get them."

"Fin, that's ridiculous," Amanda objects. "Your place is all the way across town. We're about to drive right by it. I'll be okay. Here, just drop me off at that coffee shop and come back and get me after you've picked them up." She points to a busy little coffee house on the corner, a block away from the motel. "I need some caffeine, anyway."

"Are you sure?" Fin asks doubtfully. "They're only sunglasses. I can always get them back another time."

"Oh, brother, Fin," Amanda replies, rolling her eyes at him. "The way you were carrying on earlier, it was like you left your child behind. Just go get them. I'll be fine."

He pulls over to the curb and she adjusts her sunglasses, pulling a baseball cap out of her purse and yanking it low over her eyes before getting out and standing there uncertainly for a minute.

"I'll be right back," Fin promises, leaning over to look at her through the open window and then screeching quickly away from the curb.

Amanda turns to walk into the coffee shop, feeling strange to be out in public with her injuries, among people who are just carrying on with their everyday lives.

She takes a deep breath and goes inside, joining the throng of people lined up, waiting for their caffeine fix. She keeps her gaze straight ahead, not wanting anyone's attention focused on her. The line moves very slowly and she shuffles along impatiently, figuring will Fin be back before she even gets served.

When Amanda finally has her coffee in hand, she decides to slip into the bathroom for a moment, to dab some makeup around her wounds. Fin has not returned yet and she guesses he is probably stuck in traffic. The looks she has been getting from other customers are making her feel very self conscious and she ducks her head and hurries down the dimly lit back hallway to the ladies room, pulling her sunglasses off so she can see.

At the door to the bathroom, Amanda collides with someone who is coming out of the mens room. "Oops, sorry about that," she murmurs, wincing as hot coffee spills over her hand. She raises her head and finds herself staring straight into the eyes of the man. Eric. Her heart stops.

His eyes travel over her and away, looking very preoccupied, and for a moment Amanda thinks he doesn't recognizes her, but then his gaze swings back and stops, awareness blooming in his eyes.

Amanda is so stunned at actually coming face to face with him, this man who has done unspeakable things to her, the man who has been haunting her nightmares, the man they have been looking for, that she is suddenly struck mute and frozen to the spot, not knowing what to do.

For a moment he looks just as uncertain as she is, as if meeting at a coffee shop is just too normal and strange after all they have done together, and it throws her for a loop, having only ever seen his violent, aggressive side.

"Amanda Rollins," he finally sneers, his eyes traveling up and down the length of her body and making her skin crawl. "You've definitely looked better. You look like you ran into a door. Or someone's fist."

She cocks her head to the side, puzzled. "Pardon?" There is that odd, fixated look in his eyes, similar to the other night.

"Your boyfriend knock you around or something? You look like shit."

She is staring at him in disbelief, wondering what kind of game he is playing. " _You_ did this," she snaps, her eyebrows raised. "Last week, in the motel room."

Now he is the one staring at her, and he seems genuinely perplexed. "Is that why there are cops looking around for me? A buddy of mine at the support group told me some cops having been sniffing around, wanting to talk to me about some woman, but I wasn't sure why. Figured I would avoid that area for awhile, though." He chuckles, fixing her with a gaze that is more confident, although not entirely lucid, all traces of uncertainly gone. "I would have avoided the area of our motel too, if I had known which woman they were referring to. I can't keep all you bitches straight."

Amanda is at a complete loss for words as she continues to stare at him, frowning. "They're looking for you because of what you did to me last week, you asshole."

"Oh yeah, we got together at our usual place last week, didn't we?" Eric is studying her, and Amanda can feel his penetrating gaze, taking in all the black and blue bruises on her face, the swollen eyes and nose. "To be honest, I barely even remember that night. I think I was pretty high. Don't even know what I did with my phone either; I think I might have given it to a hooker that was standing outside the room." He gives a self-deprecating smirk. "I was pretty fucked up that night. I'm a little fucked up right now, actually. Need some coffee to sober up before work."

Amanda is completely stunned as she tries to digest this information, her jaw working but no words coming out. "But how do you know my last name?" She is uncertain now; this isn't how she has been expecting this to go. They are standing here in front of the bathrooms, each with a cup of coffee in their hand, and upon first glance, one would assume they are acquaintances who had bumped into each other and were just catching up. "Are you stalking me?"

" _Stalking_ you?" he scoffs, his eyebrows raised. "What the hell are you talking about? I don't give a shit about you, lady. Typical woman, thinking the world revolves around her. You're good for one thing only, and that's a decent fuck. My buddy at the support group used to work with you and he recognized you, told me your name when I pointed you out and mentioned what a good lay you are."

Amanda has been shocked into silence, trying to wrap her brain around the conversation that is taking place. Her entire life has been turned upside down yet again, and she has been sucked into this never ending nightmare, has fallen down this dark hole she can't seem to climb out of; has been looking for him around every corner, seeing him in every face, terrified of her own shadow, and their night in the motel room hardly even registers as a memory for him, is barely a blip on his radar. He has obviously been carrying on with life as normal, while hers will never be the same.

"You need to come with me," she says through clenched teeth, reaching into her pocket and gripping her new cell phone, trying to quell the sudden rage burning within her. She needs to call this in to the station, but will have to settle for typing in a quick text to Fin if this situation starts to get out of control. "I'm taking you in."

He gives a snort of derision. "I'm not going anywhere with you, bitch. Whatever happened between us was because you wanted it to happen. Don't be playing the victim now, after all this time, after all the stuff you've done. How is that I'm in the one in trouble, when you're the one who started everything in the first place? You came to _me_ , remember?" He shakes his head like she is the one with the problem. "You can't have it both ways. I knew I should have stayed away from you. You're one crazy cunt, you know that?"

He is clearly becoming agitated and Amanda quickly tries to weigh her options, her heart racing, her fingers fumbling with the phone in her pocket. She definitely can't make a call and doesn't think she can text without him noticing. If she can just keep him talking for a minute, Fin will be back and she'll have some help. There are so many people in the shop, but she and Eric are alone at the end of the hallway. She considers yelling to alert someone to the issue, but doesn't want Eric to run and doesn't want to risk him hurting anyone in his drug-induced state.

She surreptitiously tries to slide the phone out of her pocket while keeping Eric engaged in conversation. If she can just press the call button on Fin's name, maybe he'll be able to overhear what's going on and get here faster. Her fingers slip as she tries to scroll through the few names that have been programmed, and she thinks hits Olivia's number by mistake.

"What are you doing?" Eric suddenly asks, grabbing her roughly by the upper arm, the other hand still clutching his cup of coffee. "Who are you calling?"

The phone drops to the floor, along with Amanda's coffee, and it alerts the attention of a woman walking down the hall toward them. "Hey, what's going on? Are you okay, miss?" She gets a look at Amanda's face and gasps.

"Fuck off, bitch," Eric sneers, giving the woman a shove and throwing his cup to the ground. The liquid splashes up on Amanda's legs and she can hear the tinny voice of Olivia coming through the phone as she is dragged into the mens room, her baseball cap flying to the floor.

There is an elderly man at the urinal and Eric screams at him to get out, slamming the door closed and locking it once they are alone. They stand there for a moment, staring at each other both of them out of breath, and Amanda knows if he gets her on the ground or even hits her anywhere near her head, she is done. She can't fight back, not in the state she is in.

Someone is knocking rapidly at the door, shouting that the police have been called, and this only seems to enrage Eric further. He whirls away from the door to fix his dark gaze on Amanda, his hands clenched at his sides, and she catches sight of the butt of a gun tucked into the back of his pants in the reflection in the mirror.

Her heart is in her throat and she suddenly feels faint. She wills herself to stay as alert as she can, to stay on her guard, to keep her wits about her. Help will be here soon. She just needs to try to talk him down, to keep him calm, to not give him a reason for using it.

"Why did you have to do this?" Eric is muttering. "Why did you have to ruin the good thing we had going between us? Our place is right down the road. We could have just gone over there and had a good time. It didn't have to be like this."

Beads of sweat are rolling down Amanda's face now and she wipes her moist palms on her pants. He is staring at her with that same hungry look that he had the other night, that same slightly deranged expression, pupils large and eyes glassy.

She swallows hard and holds her hands out in front of her. "Look, Eric, there's nowhere for you to go, okay? We're trapped in here. It's over."

There is more pounding on the door now, and Eric reaches behind him to pull the gun out. He points it directly at her and she stares at the barrel, her heart feeling like it is going to explode right out of her chest.

"You know this gun wasn't meant for you," he says softly. "I only have it because some guys think I owe them money, and I need to protect myself. It's only for self protection."

Amanda nods calmly and licks her lips. "Sure, I understand." It takes everything in her to keep her voice from trembling, to stand her ground and not allow her shaking legs to give out.

"But I'll use it if I have to." Eric's voice is low and he glares at her, the gun aimed point blank at her face. "It's not over quite yet, Amanda Rollins. Get on the floor."


	10. Chapter 10

**This is the final chapter. Thanks to those of you who stuck with this story until the end. I feel like it grew into a bit of a monster since it was originally supposed to be a one-shot, and then I thought it would be 2 or 3 chapters, and now it's 10, lol. I've really appreciated the reviews, follows, and favorites; thank you so much. :)**

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Olivia is standing outside the mens room with Fin and Carisi, her gun drawn, a contingent of other officers spread out down the hallway and throughout the coffee shop and around the building. The place is surrounded and the person holding Amanda hostage won't be able to get away, but she doesn't know if her detective will make it out alive.

They are going on the assumption that it is Eric in there with her, based on the physical descriptions from some of the customers and the bits and pieces of explosive arguing and yelling that Olivia had heard on the phone beforehand, but they can't be one hundred percent sure that it is him. Olivia thinks it is a pretty good theory, though, as she hears the litany of foul language from inside the mens room that is specifically referencing Amanda herself, and the occasional mention of past events at the motel. She can hear the murmur of Amanda's voice but can't make out individual words, her tone much softer than the man who is with her.

Olivia's heart is hammering in her chest as she stands rigidly outside the door, listening hard and ready to make a move at any second. The door is locked and no one has been able to get inside or talk him into coming out. It is a small, confined space with no windows, and while it's ideal because there is no way Eric is getting out of there without being caught, it is not a good thing for Amanda. They can't get eyes on her, have no idea where in the room she is situated, or if she has been injured or not. One of the customers had reported seeing the butt of a gun sticking out of the back of the man's pants so they are going with the assumption that there is a weapon involved, but they have no idea what it is happening to her and don't have a lot of control over what does. They will likely be bursting in after the fact, if things go south. She is hoping that Amanda will be able to talk her way out of there on her own, but knows the other woman is not physically and emotionally sound right now, especially after coming face to face with the man who had tormented her and injured her so grievously the week before.

She can only guess what is running through the small detective's mind right now and her heart clenches at the fact that Amanda is in there all alone, trying to stay calm and get out of there alive. They are only a door apart, but there might as well be an ocean between them at the moment.

Olivia is exhausted to begin with, having tossed and turned the night before, finding it impossible to sleep, her thoughts and emotions seemingly out of her control, unable to stop thinking about what had happened with Amanda, and then returning to work far sooner than she had expected. The day had not started out well, as there had been a new case dropped into their laps as soon as she had arrived at the precinct, a case that looked to be complicated, and she had been trying to coordinate things with Fin over the phone, concerning Amanda's care. The brief phone conversation she had with the other woman a little earlier had just made things worse, because she had been hoping Amanda had changed her mind and wanted to return to her place.

But all of that had ceased to matter when Olivia had gotten the call from Amanda's new phone, shortly after ending the previous conversation with her. She had been surprised, answering hopefully and wondering if the other woman had suddenly changed her mind, hoping that they could at least work things out, but all that had come through the speaker was chaos; yelling and scuffling and swearing. She had been immediately alarmed, trying to call Amanda's name, but getting no answer. She had gotten through to Fin right away, wondering why they weren't still together, and he had been heading back into the coffee shop at the time, and described the scene that was taking place, informing her that it looked like Amanda had been taken hostage.

Olivia and Carisi and a team of officers were en route to the location as soon as possible. When they had arrived, staff and customers had been cleared out of the shop and were milling around out on the sidewalk, talking in excited, alarmed whispers, cell phone cameras out, trying to catch some of the action. They had been directed to the other side of the road and barriers had been erected, and Olivia and the team had rushed to the back of the shop to find Fin with his gun out, talking through the locked door of the mens room. There was coffee spilled all over the floor, and Amanda's purse, sunglasses, and baseball cap scattered throughout the mess. The first thing Olivia heard was shouting from the other side of the door, and she had to swallow down the intense wave of fear she felt for her colleague and friend.

They have been here for half an hour now, and nothing has changed; they are waiting for the hostage negotiator to arrive. Olivia has tried again and again to get the man inside to talk, has even offered to switch places with Amanda, but it is very quiet now and there has been no response from him. She wipes the sweat off her brow, glancing over at Fin and Carisi; they look the way she feels and she knows it is taking everything they have to remain calm, to follow protocol, to do the best they can to get Amanda out safely. She imagines Fin feels immense guilt for leaving her alone, and Olivia is furious with him but now is not the time to focus on that. The small woman has been hurt enough, in more ways than one, over the past several days, and Olivia doesn't want any more harm to come to her. But she knows there is more damage being done even now as they stand there and wait, hoping for a peaceful resolution. Amanda is in the fight of her life right now, and she feels absolutely helpless.

A sudden shrill scream pierces through the air and Olivia is standing straight up beside the door, her back against the wall, gun at the ready and her heart in her throat. "Amanda!" she yells, staring in alarm at Fin, who is ducking down on the other side of the door, when there is absolute silence.

They all stand there for a moment, stock still, waiting with quiet trepidation, and then there is movement from inside the room. Olivia winces when she hears a loud thump and Amanda scream again, and then suddenly there is fumbling around the handle of the door and the click of a lock. Her gun is pointing straight at the door as it opens slightly, and she can't get a good look, can only hear a lot of grunting and scuffling. The door opens wider and Amanda's arm is suddenly thrusting out through the opening.

"Help me!" she gasps desperately, and Olivia grabs onto her with one hand, her other hand steady on her gun, ready to fire.

"You fucking bitch!" a male voice roars, sounding as if he is in pain, and Amanda is suddenly yanked away from her, the door flying open and a man looming there with a gun pressed against the small detective's temple.

Olivia, Fin, and Carisi are all standing there with their guns trained on him, and Olivia can see that Amanda also seems to be in pain, wincing as the gun is pressed more firmly against her head.

"Give it up, asshole," Fin says, his voice low and dangerous. "You've got nowhere else to go. Just let her go."

"Like hell," the man sneers. There is blood dripping from his nose and a deep scratch on his face, and he fixes his dark gaze on Olivia. "You want in here so badly, cunt, come on in."

Olivia locks eyes with Amanda and they stare at each other, Amanda's gaze full of panic, and she sees the smaller woman shake her head slightly.

"No," Amanda whispers.

"Put your gun on the floor and get in here," the man orders Olivia, who has no choice but to gently lay her weapon on the ground and put her hands up in the air.

"You don't have to do this," Carisi says through clenched teeth. "Let's just talk this through."

"Get in here now or I'm going to blow her brains out." Amanda's eyes are squeezed shut as if expecting the impact of a bullet at any second, and Olivia quickly steps over the threshold, heart pounding and hands still raised in the air.

She hears Fin utter a string of curse words and then the door is slammed closed behind her, locking swiftly. The three of them stand there in the sudden hush of silence, looking around at one another, and Olivia can hear Amanda's harsh breathing, quick and ragged, like she has just run a marathon. She frowns when she sees that the other woman's clothing looks disturbed, her hair mussed and a spot of blood blooming at the corner of her lip.

"Did you hurt her, you bastard?" she hisses, and the man laughs, although it is a dark sound.

"I haven't done anything to her that she hasn't wanted. Little bitch thinks she can call the shots in here, she has another think coming." He swipes a finger under his nose and it comes away coated in blood. "All of a sudden she's too good for me, and she claims I'm hurting her. Got away from me there for a minute, but now there's two of you to play with."

Olivia glances over at Amanda, and the other woman's eyes are so full of a wild, primal fear, it breaks her heart.

"You don't have to hurt her, Eric," she says calmly. "It is Eric, right? Why don't you and I just talk? She can go sit out in the shop for a minute, take a little break. She's not feeling well."

"She's not going anywhere," he snarls.

"Then maybe she can just go sit down in the corner over there, relax for a bit, while you and I chat."

"I don't want to chat," he replies, a feral smile on his face now. "I want to do other things."

Olivia's heart sinks and she tries to keep her voice steady. "Well, then you can do them with me. Leave her alone."

"Liv, no," Amanda moans, reaching for her, and Eric suddenly grabs her around the waist, pulling her away from Olivia with the gun at her head again.

"Okay, okay, just calm down," Olivia soothes, holding her hands out, heart thundering wildly and sweat beading her brow. "You're calling the shots here, Eric, not me. I'm sorry about that."

"Damn straight I'm calling the shots," he mutters, and Olivia feels a second of relief as he lowers the gun down.

Amanda is staring at her, expression terrified and her eyes pleading for a way out, and Olivia feels just as helpless as she did on the opposite side of the door.

Without warning, Eric shoves Amanda hard in Olivia's direction, and she jumps to catch the other woman before her legs give out, holding onto her trembling form and struggling to keep her from slipping to the floor. She stands there, trying to keep an eye on Eric as Amanda clings to her, her breathing so quick, she sounds like she is in the middle of a full blown panic attack.

"There you go, Amanda Rollins," he mutters. "You want to be with this bitch more than you want to be with me, your wish is my command." He grins at them, and Olivia pulls Amanda closer to her, clutching her tightly to her body and trying to shield her from Eric.

"I think the three of us are going to have a little fun," he murmurs, casually flipping the gun from one hand to the other and back again.

Olivia hears Amanda give a slight moan, and she turns her further away from him, trying to put herself between the small woman and Eric. "We aren't going to have any fun with you, Eric," she says firmly, and watches as he frowns, taking a step closer.

"What happened to me calling the shots?" he sneers, raising the gun again and aiming it at them. "You bitches are going to do what I tell you to do."

He walks right up to Olivia, slapping her hard across the face and Olivia reels back, stunned, her grip on Amanda loosening.

"Liv!" the smaller woman cries, and Olivia straightens up, her hand against her cheek and gives Amanda a reassuring look.

"It's okay, I'm fine-" she starts to say, and Eric slaps her again, more forcefully.

"Stop it!" she hears Amanda scream as she bends over at the waist, a bout of dizziness overtaking her. "Leave her the hell alone!"

"Are you going to do what I tell you?" Eric shouts, and suddenly Olivia is the one with the gun to her head, having been yanked back up to stand beside him, his hand wrapped firmly around her waist and the muzzle pressed tightly to the side of her head.

She feels an intense wave of nausea overcome her and she swallows hard, her gaze fixed on Amanda who is staring at her in horror, her entire body shaking and the blood from her lip beginning to trickle down her chin.

"Yes," the blonde woman whispers. "I'll do anything you want, anything at all. Just please don't hurt her. Please."

There is dead silence for a moment, Olivia's eyes locked with Amanda's, her cheek on fire and her head aching where the gun is being pressed so firmly.

"Good," Eric whispers, and Olivia allows herself a small moment of relief as he lowers the gun away. "I'm glad to hear that, Amanda. You've always been a handful, you know that? Such a tough little thing you are, always thinking you're the one in control."

Olivia is watching Amanda, whose gaze is no longer locked on her own but trained on Eric, her small hands clenched into fists, her breathing still coming out in sharp puffs and her skin leached white against the bruising. The other woman looks like she is about to snap and Olivia silently prays that Amanda stays where she is, that she doesn't make a move or argue.

Eric seems more calm now and he steps away from Olivia, gesturing toward them both with the gun. "Oh yeah, the three of us are going to have a good time together," he says with a smile. "Two cops, no waiting."

Olivia stands there rigidly, trying to brace herself for whatever is about to happen and ready to protect the other woman at all costs. The energy in the room is charged with tension as they both stare at him, waiting to see what he is going to do and powerless to stop him.

"Take off your clothes," he orders suddenly, pointing to Amanda.

The blonde woman glances at Olivia for a minute, not making a move, and Olivia holds up her hand, ready to argue.

Eric raises the gun again, training it on Amanda. "You said you would do anything I want. Now take off your clothes."

When the smaller woman still doesn't comply, he swings the gun around to Olivia again, cocking the trigger, and Amanda gasps, covering her eyes and looking completely overwhelmed. "Do it now, bitch."

"O-okay," she stutters, beginning to undo the buttons on her blouse.

"Eric, this really isn't necessary," Olivia pleads as she watches Amanda shrug out of the blouse, the garment falling to the floor. The shame is entirely evident on her expression, and she keeps her gaze fixed on the ground.

Olivia winces as she again sees the marks littering the other woman's body, the marks Eric had put there, and she has to bite her lip to keep the tears at bay. She doesn't think she can watch what is about to happen, doesn't think she can stand to let it happen, but doesn't know how to stop it without one or both them getting killed.

"Keep going," Eric says softly, a half smile on his face as he stares intently at the small blonde.

Amanda unzips her jeans and slides out of them, chewing on her lip, her face mottled red, and it looks like she is blinking back tears.

"Eric, please," Olivia begs, a lone tear escaping and sliding down her cheek. "Please just stop. Haven't you put her through enough already? I'll do anything you want. Just leave her alone."

Amanda is standing there silently, her head bowed, her long blonde hair hanging down over her battered face, blood streaking her chin, trembling in her bra and panties, and Olivia finds herself simultaneously wanting to rip the gun out of Eric's hand and shoot him in the face, and take Amanda into her protective embrace. The other woman is shivering violently now, and Olivia doesn't know how much more of this either one of them can take.

"Amanda, it's okay, sweetheart," she whispers, even though it can't be further from the truth. "Just look at me."

The detective raises her head and meets Olivia's gaze, and she appears hopeless and exhausted, like she is ready to give up.

"Just hold on," she mouths at her, and Amanda nods slightly, reaching up to rub one of her red rimmed eyes.

"Hmm, it's interesting the way you're so protective of her," Eric says thoughtfully to Olivia, scratching his chin. "I think I'd like to see some more of you two together."

Olivia feels dread bloom through her system, and her heart begins to pound even faster. _"No,"_ she says adamantly, feeling sick to her stomach. "I'm not hurting her, Eric. I'm not doing anything to her."

Amanda has raised her head, looking like a deer in the headlights, her gaze swinging back and forth between them and her arms wrapped around herself. She doesn't say anything, just watches them silently.

"You'll do what I tell you to do, damn it!" Eric snaps. "Stop all of this shit! Stop being so fucking argumentative about everything!"

"I won't do it!" Olivia yells, a bead of sweat rolling down the side of her face and her heart hammering intensely in chest, and she feels the gun pressing into her side. "I'm not hurting her!"

"Do what I tell you!" Eric screams, and Olivia sees a sudden flash of movement out of the corner of her eye, turning her head in time to see Amanda launch herself at them.

They crash to the ground, all three of them in a tangled mass of arms and legs, the gun falling out of Eric's hand and skittering across the floor. They all lunge for it at the same time, Eric on top of Olivia, crushing her into the ground, and Amanda whips the weapon off the floor.

"Get off of her!" she shrieks, aiming the gun straight at Eric, and Olivia feels him freeze on top of her before sliding off and getting slowly to his feet. She stands up beside him, eyes wide and out of breath, and she watches Amanda train the gun on him, her eyes locked intently onto his.

"Okay, Amanda," she gasps. "It's over."

"No, it's not," she whispers, and Olivia peers closely at her, taking in the wild look in her eyes, the quick breathing, her hand shaking so hard she can barely hold the gun upright.

"Hey, Amanda," she says softly, holding a hand out toward her. "It's over now, sweetheart. Just give me the gun and we can get out of here."

"Do you know he doesn't even remember that night, Liv?" Amanda asks, her voice hushed and ragged, a tear slipping down her cheek. "He was so high, he doesn't even remember what he did to me. I'm in hell, and as far as he's concerned, it's like it never even happened."

"If I can't remember it, then it didn't happen," Eric smirks, still cocky despite the tables being turned on him.

"Shut the fuck up," Amanda hisses, cocking the trigger.

"Okay, Amanda, you need to give me the gun," Olivia says in alarm, feeling like this situation is spinning rapidly out of control. She is standing close to the door and surreptitiously reaches out to turn the lock, making sure her voice carries. "Fin and Carisi are right outside that door, and they can come right in here and arrest him, and it'll be done. We can get out of here."

"It'll never be done, Olivia," Amanda explains softly. "Don't you know that? This is just another thing I'm going to have to live with, more nightmares, more flashbacks. He'll probably get a few years in prison and then be free to carry on with his life. It's not fair. It shouldn't be this way."

"No, it shouldn't be," Olivia quickly agrees, taking a cautious step toward the other woman. "But it also won't be fair if you're rotting in prison for the rest of your life. Don't let him win."

"He already has," Amanda whispers, and Olivia sees the way her expression shifts subtly, the glint in her eye, and instinctively knows she is going to shoot. She throws herself on top of the smaller woman just as she is about to pull the trigger. "Fin, Carisi, get in here!" she screams, as the gun slips out of Amanda's grasp and Eric lunges for it.

The door bursts open and the room is flooded with cops, Fin and Carisi yanking Eric up off the floor and handcuffing him before he can get to the gun. Amanda is shaking and moaning beneath her, and Olivia quickly sits up, lifting the small woman's limp form off the floor and pulling her into her lap.

"Hey, Liv, we've got paramedics waiting outside," Fin says softly, his hand on her shoulder as Eric is escorted roughly out of the room by Carisi. "I'll send them in here."

"Just give us a minute," Olivia replies, her voice tight and her arms wrapped around Amanda, trying to shield her from everyone crowded into the room, as the smaller woman is still in her underwear. "Get a blanket from them."

She keeps her grip tight around the other woman's shivering form as everyone clears out of the room and Fin returns with a blanket, handing it to her silently before leaving as well. Olivia gently wraps the blanket around Amanda and smooths her hand through her hair. "Honey, it's all over," she says softly, leaning down to press her cheek against Amanda's. "He's gone. You're safe."

Amanda is shaking so hard she can't even speak, and Olivia holds her tighter, rocking her in her lap like a baby. "You're safe, you're safe," she keeps repeating until the words finally seems to penetrate and Amanda looks up at her, face crumpling as she bursts into tears.

Olivia feels her own tears well up and spill over and they cry together, wrapped up in each other's arms on the dingy bathroom floor. She can feel the adrenaline leaving her in a rush and her arms tremble as she holds Amanda in her protective embrace, running her fingers through her tangled blonde hair. The relief she feels at having the other woman safe in her arms is overwhelming and she closes her eyes, her head bowed, the exhaustion overtaking her.

Amanda's head is tucked underneath her chin, the smaller woman grasping her tightly around the waist. "Thank you," she hears her murmur. "Thank you for saving me. I was going to do it, Liv. I was going to kill him."

Olivia doesn't answer but just bands her arms more firmly around Amanda, tears trickling down her cheeks and falling into the other woman's hair.

xxxxxxxxxx

Later that day, Olivia rests in her quiet living room with the lights off and the TV on but no sound coming through the speakers. Night is falling and she watches as the room gets dimmer, shadows lengthening in the corners. She sighs deeply, the mixture of relief and exhaustion so acute, she doesn't think she can even lift her head off of the pillow. She and Amanda had both come so close to losing their lives that day and Amanda had come so close to taking a life, and it is odd to sit here in this oasis of silence and calm, such a sharp contrast to the chaos and terror of that morning.

Amanda and Frannie are both tucked into her bed down the hall, and have been sleeping for the last couple of hours. The smaller woman had been transported to the hospital by ambulance, as a precaution, and had been released several hours later into Olivia's care. She, Fin, Carisi, and the team of officers who had taken down Eric had spent the rest of the day at the precinct, dealing with the aftermath of the situation at the coffee shop. Olivia has never been so glad to see someone behind bars. Eric is finally where he belongs, and although she knows Amanda has a very long road ahead of her, she hopes it will bring her at least a modicum of peace.

She hears her bedroom door open and there is a sudden thundering of paws down the hallway before a four-legged creature launches itself onto the couch with Olivia, bathing her face enthusiastically with her tongue, like they hadn't just seen each other a little while ago.

"Frannie, down," Amanda says tiredly, and Olivia sits up to make room for her on the couch, the dog jumping onto the floor.

"Hey there," she says softly, fixing the other woman with a gentle gaze.

Amanda is clad in a rumpled sweatshirt and yoga pants, her blonde hair sticking up in little tufts around her head, and the bruises on her face standing out in stark contrast to her pale skin. Her blue eyes are heavy with exhaustion but there is something else in her expression, and Olivia thinks it is relief, a calmness that hasn't been there for a long time.

"Did you have a good nap?"

"Actually, yes, I did," Amanda replies, sounding surprised. "It was nice to get some sleep and have some down time for awhile."

Olivia smiles at her and shifts closer to her on the couch, taking her hand gently in her own and giving it a slight squeeze. Amanda lays her head on her shoulder without hesitation and they sit there in silence for a moment, watching Frannie roll around on the floor.

"Thanks for letting Frannie and I come back here," Amanda says quietly. "Fin didn't even make a comment about playing musical apartments again."

Olivia chuckles. "The two of you are welcome to stay for as long as you like." She glances down at the other woman. "Are you okay?"

"No," Amanda replies honestly, a soft sigh escaping her lips. "But I think I will be."

Olivia opens her mouth to say something more and the other woman lifts her head to look at her.

"I don't want to talk about today, Liv," Amanda says softly, but with firm resolve. "I don't want to mention his name. I don't want to discuss anything to do with the case. There will be plenty of time for that in the coming days and weeks and months."

"Okay," Olivia murmurs agreeably, and there is silence again for several minutes.

Olivia's thoughts are whirling and she feels like so much has been left unsaid between them. She opens her mouth to speak again and Amanda is instantly fixing her with that same gaze, but this time the corner of her lip is lifting up in a slight smile.

"I don't want to talk about that either."

"About what?" Olivia raises an eyebrow.

"Don't be dense, Liv," Amanda smirks, rolling her eyes. "You know what."

Olivia looks at her thoughtfully for a moment. "Alright, we won't talk about it."

"Thank you," Amanda says with a tired sigh. "There's plenty of time to talk. But just not now. For now, let's just enjoy the peace and quiet."

"Okay," Olivia replies with a smile. "Peace and quiet it is."

"There's plenty of time to talk in the future," Amanda murmurs, laying her head back down on Olivia's shoulder.

"You're right," Olivia agrees softly, wrapping an arm around her and closing her eyes. That morning in the coffee shop, both of their futures had been so uncertain but now time seems to stretch out before them, unraveling with endless possibilities.

"We have all the time in the world."


End file.
